


Hogwarts Phan AU - Spellbound

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-04-16 12:51:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4625985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What happened to you Dan..."</p><p>"I grew up Philly" He says sarcastically</p><p>"No Dan. You grew dark..."</p><p>"I always was"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

Phil's POV

October 25th, 2009

This is the day, the day I've been apprehending in a very unhealthy way. The day my entire life has been leading up to. Well that's only 12 years of my life but to my standards that's a lot. My mother received the letter one month ago and was honestly more than surprised to find out her ex husband, who was just a mechanic, could turn her in a toad if he wanted to. For the rest of the day she sat in her armchair with a far away look in her eyes, which frankly scared me a bit. But the next day she took matters in hand, like a good mother does and started preparing me for this day.

My stomach twists again as I stand close to my mother, not quite ready to leave her side just yet. We arrived a bit early and the train isn't here yet, which doesn't really surprise me, my mum always arrives early. Even when it's to send me to a wizard school. My mother squeezes my side and gives me a comforting smile, when she sees how nervous I am. I hear a rattling noise to my left and see a boy, probably my age crossing the platform. He stands alone, which confuses me. What kind of parents would leave their child to face a day like this alone? He has gorgeous brown eyes and is kinda cute, the way his eyes seem to be piercing everything, analizing everything. There's an aura of mystery around of him. I notice he has a black cat with piercing green eyes sitting on his bags. He sweeps his brown hair to the side and turns to look straight at me. I smile instantly, because that's what my mother taught me. He answers with an uncertain smile, that doesn't quite reach his brown eyes.

He looks away before I can beckon him towards me. It's too late anyway because I hear the rattling of a train arriving on the rails, and the nervousness is back as I see it appear and slow down, stopping right in front of me. The brown-eyed boy doesn't waste a second and jumps on, taking all his belongings with him. I suddenly find it hard to catch my breath, to be honest I didn't think this day would ever come, and now that it has, the stress is taking over, the stress of going to a brand new school with thousands of kids I don't know, the stress of maybe not being good enough. I look up at my mother as kids of all ages rush towards the train doors all around me. She hugs me tightly, literally squeezing the life out of me. I get out of her grip, finally, and she kisses my cheek softly.

'You'll do great Philly, I know you will. I always knew you were special, remember you get that from your father, and wherever he is, I know he is very very proud of his son.'

I see tears forming in her eyes, causing a knot to form in my throat as I try to swallow down the sob making it's way to my mouth.

She gives me a last hug and pushes me gently towards the doors of the awaiting train. I finish putting all my bags in the designated carriage and then enter the train, looking once again at my mother who just smiles and waves at me.

Taking a deep breath, I walk in, and start walking through the hall, looking for a place to sit. After 2 minutes I get desperate when I see every carriage in full until I spot one with only person. It's the brown-eyed boy from earlier! I make my way to it and peek my head through the door.

'Hey can I sit there? All the other carriages are full.' I say with a sheepish grin.

Apparently he didn't expect company because he nearly jumps out of his skin when I speak. He stutters slightly when he finally answers me :

'Oh y-yeah sure...' He follows my movement as I make my way to the seat in front of him, but when I look back at him, he quickly avoids my eyes and looks back out the window. I stare at him, not really ashamed at myself, until he notices my gaze and turns back to look at me. Again, those brown eyes of his stun me and I blush a little bit.

'Want a picture? It'll last longer.' he snaps at me and I just laugh, even though I know his comment wasn't meant nicely.

'My name's Phil. Phil Lester.' He nods at me and looks back out the window. Well he's a very sociable person. I'm not giving up yet though, he just needs a little push.

'And you?' He looks back at me, an annoyed look in his eyes.

'I'm Dan Howell. Pleasure to meet you.'

'You too!'

'That was sarcasm.'

I'm a bit disappointed at the mean look in his eyes and look down at my feet. There's an awkward silence between us before he speaks again, his voice much softer than before.

'Sorry... I guess I'm just a bit nervous. I didn't mean to be harsh.' he gives me a small apologetic smile and I smile widely in return. Maybe I'm getting somewhere with this making friends thing! I just need to keep the conversation going.

'So what house do you think you'll be in?' I ask with a smile and this time I see no annoyed look in his eyes.

'I don't know to be honest. I'd like to be in Gryffindor, I want to be really brave! But I'll probably end up in Slytherin, I'd be a disgrace to my family if in I'm anything else. What about you?'

I frown at the sad look in his eyes when he says this but I dismiss it, I don't want to push him too far.

'I really have no idea! I guess the sorting hat will decide for me. After all, if he's not good at sorting he's just a hat! A very old and smelly hat but still just a hat. My grandmother would probably wear it'

It was a pretty lame joke, but he laughs anyway, showing his cute dimples and the sight only is enough to make me laugh.

I guess I'm not too bad at making friends after all!


	2. 2

Dan's POV

I wasn't expecting to be approached by an overly excited blue-eyed boy when I got on that train, but I guess life likes to throw stuff at me like this. I was kind of enjoying the unexpected company though, even making an effort to keep the conversation going. My new friend, whose name was Phil, is staring out the window and I find myself missing his voice, frantically trying to find a new subject of discussion.

'so er... Are your parents magic too?' He looks back at me with a delighted look in his eyes, happy that I tried to continue the conversation. But then he looks at me with a new, cold look in his warm eyes.

'you mean am I pure blood or not?'

'No! That's not what I- I mean I don't care who you are!' I stop my panicking when I see the mischievous glint in his blue eyes. I lean forward and punch arm playfully, more annoyed at myself that I actually fell for that than at him. He just chuckles at my annoyed face.

'And no, to answer your question, my mother is a muggle, my dad was the wizard of the family.'

'Was?' I ask.

'Yeah, he died when I was just 6'

'Oh... I'm sorry.' I said, looking up at him with sad eyes.

'Oh that's ok! I barely remember what I had for breakfast, let alone my dad.' I laughed, but the sound has an empty ring.

'What about you?' I look at him, confused for a second then I realized he wanted to know about my parents.

'Both are magic, they've been waiting for this day for ages. I'm kind of scared to disappoint them though...'

He looks at me with wide eyes, like he can't quite believe what I just said.

'Why would they be disappointed in you? You do what you can, it's not like they control your life.'

'Well you're very lucky you've never met them. They always tell me to be grateful for the life they gave me, not the other way round.'

His eyes go all big and sad and he says, nearly in a whisper :

'Home mustn't be a great place to be...'

Just as I'm about to answer, I see an amazing view out the window. The whole light seems to be concentrated on the magnificent castle overlooking the whole of the land around it. The whole sight is absolutely breathtaking, the tall towers seem to be casting shadows on meadow miles around the castle and the sheer immensity of it all make me wonder how I will ever find my way to any of my classes.

We've finally arrived at Hogwarts.

When me and Phil finish changing into our robes, the train starts slowing down and stops, letting the first children off. I look at Phil and see him drawing a deep breath, gulping. Before I know what I was doing I grab his hand and give him a reassuring squeeze, smiling, before letting go. He looks ahead, determined.

'Let's do this'

**

'And no running to the grand hall you hear me? I don't want anyone to get trampled this year...' Professor McGonagall finishes, muttering the last sentence, before she let us pour into the gigantic room. I stare at the starry ceiling in front of me, nearly bumping into a girl in front of me. She just smiles at me sweetly. Maybe people here aren't so bad after all. I take a seat and Phil sits next to me, anxiously playing with his fingers.

After a few minutes, McGonagall finally calls my name and I make my way up the steps, hoping to god I don't slip and fall in front of the whole school. Thankfully I find my way to the hat without breaking any bones. I sit on the chair and lift the old hat on my head.

'Oh well you're an interesting one. Complicated too... There's power in your heart, a power that could be harvested with courage in Gryffindor. Regardless... I see what is in your soul. A darkness that needs nurturing... I think you shall be- SLYTHERIN!'

I gulp as the Slytherin table cheer me on to join them. Well at least I won't disappoint my parents... Students clap me on the back as I take a seat at the table I will be sat at the rest of the years in this school.

Phil is the next one to be called up and I can nearly sense the stress radiating from him. He's tapping a rhythm on his leg as he puts the hat on, and nearly instantly, he yells Gryffindor and Phil looks instantly relieved as he make his way to his new table, earning a lot of claps. He sits down and instantly looks over to me catching my eyes in his piercing blue ones. I smile widely at him and he answers with the toothiest and warmest smile anyone has ever given me. He soon gets washed away by all the other Gryffindor students but I can't get the memory of those pretty eyes out of my head.

Maybe this year won't be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo!!! So how's this for a story, I decided there weren't enough hogwarts phan au so I now present you this piece of thrash!
> 
> Comment or kudos for a free trash bag.
> 
> Stay Alive  
> I know there's supposed to be an age gap between Dan and Phil but it's better like this for the story :3 It would mean a lot if you would correct any mistakes I might've made and please COMMENT and VOTE
> 
> Bye dudes and dudettes
> 
> Stay Alive


	3. 3

Dan's POV

I keep my head low as the prefects lead us to the common room, not really wanting any attention directed on me right now. I hear giggling and whispering behind me, making feel kind of paranoid. What if they're talking about me? I try not to think about it too much but the possibility of already being made fun of on the first day makes me panic a bit. What have I done wrong again? Do I have a stain on my robe? Is my hair a mess? Ok Dan, don't go there, don't torture yourself. But what if this year is just the same as all the others? Nope, I really don't want to be spending all my time in the bathroom again. I try to steady my breathing, try to calm the panic that is coming over me.

Get. Yourself. Together.

We make it to the common room without me completely breaking down and the prefects show us around. I'm not really listening, losing myself in the beauty of this place. The ceiling is so high I wonder if it's actually there, and the walls are velvety with the soft fabric covering them. I brush my fingers against them while admiring the many portraits hanging there. Everything here screams the word magic, and for a moment I forget where I am and all the things that could go wrong.

I'm pulled out of my dazed state when the prefects introduce us to our dorm. I let out a inaudible sigh of relief when I see all my bags waiting for me and my black cat curled up in a ball on my bed, sleeping. I sit down and almost instantly my cat that I creatively called Batman jumps up and sits on me, rubbing his head on my lap. I chuckle quietly and stroke his head softly. Maybe I won't have a lot of friends but at least I'll always have this little guy. All the other guys have gone down to the common room to be social, but to be honest I'm feeling quite sleep-deprived. My eyes shut of their own will and my head falls back on the pillow, Batman rumbling against my chest. And then I'm taken by sleep.

**

Everything is black. Everything. Have I gone blind? I push my eyes open but no, not a ray of light, nothing. Not a speck, not a little bit of light, nothing at all, just black, deep and tempting black. I try to move my fingers and surprisingly they obey. I try to move my feet now, take at least one step. But then I realize. There is nowhere to step. I am stepping on nothing.

I'm flying.

Suddenly all my sense come back to me and I feel the wind blow harshly through my hair. I'm not flying no, I'm falling. At an incredibly fast rate I am falling through the black air, towards something that I can't see. Or maybe I’m falling towards nowhere. The thought makes me go completely crazy. To me there is nothing more terrifying than not knowing where you're going. Worse, knowing where you're going, but it's a black path, filled with dark obstacles and dark thorns, always stabbing you with their poisonous spikes.

A darkness that needs nurturing...

I fall faster, images of my parents in front of me with smug looks on their faces flash before me.

...I see what is in your soul.

Images of my dad looking at me through blank eyes when I ask him to tuck me into bed and then becoming very very angry.

A darkness that needs nurturing...

Images of my dad yelling at me to be the man I have to be.

...I see what is in your soul.

My mum standing there as he yells, covering her ears, not even daring to intervene.

A darkness that needs nurturing...

'not good enough son! Not. Good. Enough. You never will be, you're a worthless excuse of a son!'

...I see what is in. Your. Soul.

The words echo in my head, as I rush towards a future that isn't even mine, only black. I don't want this, I never wanted this.

No.

The calm voice in my head repeats the word, then louder and louder, to make itself heard. He's right, NO. No I will not be what they want me to be.

Home musn't be a great place to be...

The calm voice of Phil joins the yelling 'no'.

It's not like they control your life...

Oh Phil if only you knew just how much they control...

The voices get louder, screaming in my head, drowning my fathers'. Because Phil's right, they can't control everything. Suddenly my rush past the black walls gets slower and I intake a sharp breath when I see the tiniest spot of light, and I’m crashing down to it faster and faster. The pressure is nearly stealing my breath away, the dot getting bigger and bigger by the second. I scrape my fingers down the walls, that are getting closer to me, nearly suffocating me. My nails scratch and tear the walls down, but it's not enough. Panic blinds me as the walls move closer, and the light grows bigger, nearly swallowing me. I push with all my force but nothing happens, I just fall faster, towards the light, but I don't think I’m going to make it.

I take a deep breath but just as I exhale the front wall crushes against my chest, and the back one nearly breaks my spine, knocking the breath out of my body. No. Please, no. I can see the light blinding me it's so close. I try to breath but I panic when I can't, fighting my anxiety, and in the end letting it take over.

I was so close, so close to the light. So close to life.

So close to Phil's soothing voice.

So close to escaping the black path.

**

I wake up trembling, every limb in my body completely shaken up by the nightmare I just endured. My hands shaking, I look for Batman on my bed and sigh deeply when I feel his soft fur pressed against my side. I sit up and put my head on my knees, trying to steady my ragged breathing. I don't even know what to think, did I just have a panic attack in a nightmare. It definitely feels like it, and I don't blame myself. It's the first time anything so horrible has ever happened to me and I vividly remember the walls crushing against my chest, making it impossible to breath. I stare at the ceiling, but everything seems black right now, way too black. I wipe my dampened cheeks, I hadn't even realized I was crying. The memory of the nightmare is way too fresh, I have to get out of here, now.

I frantically look for my small battery charged lamp and find it in one of my bags and at the same time grab my ipod and my headphones. The room is filled with moonlight, and I find my way out of my bed and to the door, trying not to make too much noise. I really don't want to get caught, especially not on the first day. I know that right now I need some fresh air or I'll have another panic attack, this time a real one. For some time I don't move, listening for any footsteps, and I'm sure there's no one in this part of the castle, I tiptoe to the grand staircase.

Thankfully I make it outside alive, and not expelled. I plug my headphones in and start playing 'Dream' by Imagine Dragons, humming along as I walk in the grass barefoot. I see the lake not far and for some reason I’m instantly attracted to the calm and unmoving black water. I sit on the edge, staring into the abyss, seeing my reflection in the black stillness. "Everything's a mess..." I sing along. I can't help the silent tears that escape my eyes, running down my cheeks and dampening them again. I don't know how long I stay like that but my eyes gradually close and I feel myself drifting off.

“Didn't expect to see you here”

I jump out of my skin and turn around instantly, taking my headphones off and preparing for the most intense scold of my entire life until I see the person behind the voice and relief washes over me.

“Phil...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guess who updated! Ha ha I’m really not good at keeping a schedule, good thing I didn't tell you what it was supposed to be hahahahaahahaha *cough* *cough*
> 
> Comment yo
> 
> Stay alive


	4. 4

Phil's POV

After we finish the meal, my 11-year-old self watches the flow of students and teachers head out the room, feeling slightly terrified I'll lose the people in my house. I don't recognize anyone around me but I hear the shouts of the prefects, calling out the houses. I manage to decipher a 'Gryffindor' amongst the laughs and loud conversations. It's a good thing I'm tall for my age. I get on my tiptoes and walk towards the faint voice as fast as possible. I don't want to be stranded on my own in the middle of this castle, no matter how welcoming it is it's also a fricking labyrinth

Suddenly I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and turn around instantly, I might be a bit paranoid sometimes. When I turn I find it's not some sort of Frankenstein monster waiting for me like I'd already imagined in my head but actually a chestnut-haired girl, with two pigtails. She smiles up at me with a freckle-covered skin, revealing two dimples. She's probably around my age, even though she looks way younger. 

"Hi I'm Mels! I'm in Gryffindor too, I saw you looked completely lost, so because I'm a good person, I came to help you!" She laughs a very cute giggle and grabs my arms before pulling me towards a crowd of people. She dashes forward not hearing me protest or just not caring, making use of her petite frame to slalom through all the students. Unfortunately I'm not that lucky and I end up bumping into a lot of people and apologizing a lot to irritated faces. 

We make it out alive and Mels shoves me towards the group I was supposed to be in. She definitely has a strong personality, that contrasts strangely with her gentle and kid-like face. 

"There you go! Hey I'll see you tomorrow in class, oh by the way what's your name?"

"P-Phil" I stutter like an idiot, taken by surprise, but she smiles widely, waving at me, and just like that she's gone again, running to the group of girls heading to the dorms. That girl is a ball of energy.

I stand there, completely overwhelmed by what just happened, and I actually think a part of her bubbly energy passed on to me. I smile widely and stay that way until we get in the common room, feeling a bit of renewed positivity. I look around for the freckled girl but it turns out the girls are actually visiting the dorms. Which is where the prefects are leading us to now, and with every step I feel my confidence growing back. There's just something about this place that makes me want to be able to call it my second home, with a family of friends. We pour into the dorm and I instantly drop onto my bed. I sigh deeply and look to my left where I see my owl and instantly I sit up and smile. I'd missed her, my own little Cookie. Yeah that's what I named her, shhh. I stroke her feathers softly and she looks content enough. 

After a while of just laying there I spring up, gathering up my courage and descend into the common room. There I see that everyone is already chatting and laughing together. I don't let my bravery and positiveness slip away as I soon spot Mels sitting on one of the comfortable-looking sofas and I march towards her. Only then do I notice she's got a whole group of people around her. No Phil not now, don't give up. I stop in front of them, smile and say loud enough for everyone to hear a small 'Hi'.

Instantly Mels looks up and gives me that grin that I already know by heart and hugs me quickly. She then introduces me to her friends.

"Phil! Welcome so uh this is Tiffany." She gestures to a tough-looking girl with brown curly hair and we smile at each other warmly, like everyone seems to do around here. 

Next she points at a blond guy with messy hair and introduces him as Joe and the guy next to him I learn is called Caspar. And finally she looks to her left and gestures to a guy names Chris, who smiles at me with a toothy grin. 

"Everyone, this is Phil!"

Everyone says hi and Mels offers me to sit next to her and I take it up, squeezing between her and Tiff, a little uneasy feeling in my stomach. 

So many females.

I wish Dan were here.

**

I look at the hello kitty watch sitting on my bed side table that my mum packed for me (thanks mum) and nearly sigh out loud when I see that it's now 4 in the morning. I hold back a sob but this time I don't try to go back to sleep, there's no point. Instead, I get up silently and curse my mother for a second for packing me a hello kitty watch and not a flash-light. 

I set out at 4 in the morning trying not to make any noise or else... I prefer not thinking about the alternative. I blindly find my way to the Grand Staircase and by then the moonlight is actually helping me see where I'm going. 

After a series of near heart attacks after hearing the strange noises this old castle makes at night I make it outside. I didn't think it would be so easy...

I wander a bit through the huge grounds wondering where to go when I notice something move somewhere to my left. My first instinct is to run far and fast, but for some reason I look carefully into the darkness, my eyes quickly adjusting to the pitch black. Instantly, I recognize the mop of brown hair heading for something with a determined step. I stifle a laugh and start following him, not wanting to lose his trace. He's headed straight for the lake. I see him sit on the shore and he starts singing along softly to... Imagine Dragons! I smile at myself for recognizing it but suddenly I hear him sniffing and wiping his cheeks with a damp pyjama sleeve. I gulp and get myslef back together.

"Didn't expect to see you here" 

I see him nearly jump out of his skin and turning instantly, with a wild and terrified look in his eyes but when his meet mine they soften considerably and relief washes over him. I try to keep smiling when I see his damp cheeks and the sad glint in his eyes I had seen earlier even bigger now, nearly taking over the warm happiness. 

"Phil..." He whispers inaudibly. 

"The one and only." I say gently before sitting next to him, close enough so our sides touch. 

"What are you doing here?" His voice cold and platonic.

"I could ask you the same question." I look playfully at him but I see the tears brimming in his eyes. He didn't have as good an evening as I did. "I uh couldn't sleep" I continue trying to clear the tense atmosphere. He stares at me for a moment before completely dropping the angry, cold expression and looking down at his lap, tears starting to run down his cheeks again. 

"I had a nightmare..." He blurts out and I shiver, because I know just how traumatizing that can be, and his obviously was.

"Are you okay?" I ask softly, instinctively placing my hand on his arm. He lets out a shaky breath and replies in a wobbly and unsure voice :

"Not really.... No."

He just looks down, like he's ashamed of himself but then he breaks down, letting out a sob and now crying uncontrollably. In a panic I pull him into me, and to my surprise he doesn't fight back. He melts into me, crying in my shirt shaken by violent sobs, and I just sit there stroking his back and hair. I squeeze him tighter every time a sob shakes him up and we end up being a bundle of limbs.

We stay like this for god knows how long until after a moment Dan moves slightly and I let him go, as he pulls out of my embrace. He still won't look me straight in the eyes but he starts talking in a shaky voice : 

"Sorry about uh your shirt. I've only just met you and here I am completely ruining your pyjamas... Ugh it's gross"

"No it's not" I say, instantly. He looks up at me, startled by my sharp reply. "I mean it's ok, I didn't like these anyway." I blush a bit and I'm thankful for the darkness for the first time. He smiles at me weakly, but it's a start. 

I bet I can make that smile bigger.

And on that one crazy moment, I decide that I will, no matter what it takes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! So ok I know some bits are probably really rushed but well as you know I'm not the best writer, and also I forced myself to write this cuz I wanted to updated! Anywayyyyys please COMMENT like please please it will help me get motivation cuz I really need it and if this is really any good. Also tell me if I made any mistakes, I'll properly proofread it tomorrow. Tell me your honest opinions PLEASE. Bye peps.
> 
>  
> 
> Stay Alive


	5. 5

Phil's POV 

I wake up to someone gently squeezing my arm, shaking my body slightly. I squint my eyes and reluctantly open them, my senses coming back to me, and I flinch at the cold touch of the boy smiling at me. I rub my eyes and the boy, whom I don't remember the name chuckles at me, and a wave of relief washes over me at the sympathetic look in his eyes. The random act of kindness makes me feel warm inside and in an instant I smile widely back at him, determined to make friends today, funny how a smile can change anything in an instant. I yawn at the fatigue rippling through me and he leaves me to get dressed, as I make a mental note to register his face and to talk to him later.   
I suddenly lift myself up in a sitting position, making my head spin in the process. I shake the sleepiness out of my eyes and collect my scattered thought while slipping my robes on, smiling at the night I spent, talking with Dan, well, I was talking, he was just sobbing. To me that counts as a conversation.   
I nearly jump for joy when I register the fact that I’m going to see him today, even though maybe I won't talk to him, I know it doesn't really matter. Excitement ripples through me at the prospect of the day in front of me, talking to everyone, making friends, generally being good at being me. 

As I’m slipping on my shoes I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder and the boy from earlier looks at me shyly, shuffling his feet. 

“Hey um... You seem nice and I haven't really made any friends yet... Could you tell me how to get to the Great Hall? My sense of orientation isn't very good...” The boy in front of me timidly asks, his blue eyes glinting. 

“Better! I'll show you!” I say, maybe a bit too enthusiastically. “My name's Phil by the way. Phil Lester.” 

I extend my hand and he takes it, shaking it eagerly. 

“I'm Troye! T-R-O-Y-E.” He says, spelling it with a huge smile. 

“Well Troye with an e, I think we should get going, I’m hungry as hell!” 

 

**

We end up sitting next to each other on the long, gigantic tables. I made sure to be facing where I could see the Slytherin table, waiting patiently for them to arrive. A confident-looking boy sits on my other side and I notice he too smiles at me. Maybe people here aren't so bad after all. The other houses start to fill in and finally I notice flashes of green as the Slytherin boys enter. At first I can't make out Dan in the middle of the crowd, but when they sit down, I see him hesitantly talking to a green-eyed boy next to him, but quickly looking back down at his plate. I frown at the deep bags under his eyes and his exhausted expression. He looks vulnerable, sitting there, head down, his robes slightly too long and hanging off his hands, making him 10 times more adorable. I stare at him intently, wishing him to look up and meet my gaze. My wishes must've come true because not 30 seconds later he lifts his head up, directly looking towards the Gryffindor table. His eyes search for someone and as his gaze find mine, he smiles a tiny smile, quickly looking back down, noticing my staring with a blush. 

“What are you looking at the Slytherin table like that for?” 

 

An inquisitive voice asks next to me and I suddenly turn towards him, noticing the boy who had sat next to me not long ago staring at me, his head slightly tilted. 

“For nothing, I just like the colour green!” I say cheerfully and he laughs, turning back to his conversation with the girl next to him. Speaking of girls, I see Mels and Tiff advancing towards me and they plop down in front of me. Instantly I smile, happy I’ve finally got even more company. I greet them with an energetic wave as my mouth is currently full of egg. Mels rolls her eyes at me but smiles a toothy grin.

“Did you sleep well?” She asks, dipping a biscuit in some sort of liquid. I consider for a moment telling her what happened with Dan, but I suddenly remember how the boy next to me looked when he caught me staring at the Slytherin table. Best not to mention it. 

“Amazingly well! I even got myself my own alarm clock” I say, gulping down the rest of my food and gesturing towards Troye. Mels laughs and Tiff grins at Troye, who just blushes and looks down at his plate. 

All of us turn our heads suddenly as we hear flaps of wings echoing in the Great Hall and stare in awe as the owls spill in, carrying letters and packages of all sorts. I almost squeal when a snowy white, grey dotted owl drops a letter in front of me. I quickly grab it, eagerly tearing the top off, not wasting a second and unfold the neatly folded paper inside it. I instantly recognize my mother's handwriting, and smile fondly at the kind, encouraging words. In front of me, I see Mels as well as Tiff received something, as did most of the students in the whole room.

But then I extend my neck a bit to see about Dan and frown when I see him looking down at the empty spot in front of him, a clearly upset look on his face. My frown deepens as I see some of the boys from his table snicker at him and all I want to do is go over there and punch all of them square in the face, all though I’d probably just end up hurting my hand more than the actual boys. It makes me want to cry how oblivious he seems to the obvious mockery he is receiving, or maybe he's just trying his best to ignore it. Either way all I want to do go over there and hug him, he doesn't deserve all this.

Again, after a long moment, he finally looks up, and I might have been mistaken because of the distance separating us but I swear I could see tears brimming in his brown eyes. He catches my eye and with a saddened expression, he smiles at me, gulping away the tears threatening to spill. I blink encouragingly at him and smile a warm, reassuring smile, trying my best to communicate my sympathy and friendship. He seems to get it because his moods seems to brighten all of a sudden and with a blush on his cheeks he looks back down, starting to eat again. 

 

**

 

Dan's POV

When I get to the Great Hall, walking alone, my head hung low, my thoughts suddenly get paranoiac, and every laugh I hear, I imagine it being about how long the robes are on me, how ugly I look with the bags under my eyes, how generally awkward I am. It only worsens when I sit down, and everyone around me starts chatting about various topics, the words not even making any sense to me. Paranoia once again takes over, and I feel people looking at me, wondering why I’m all alone, talking to nobody. I try to engage a conversation with a green eyed boy next to me but he soon blows me off, getting back to talking to his real friends. 

I look up, hope in my mind, wondering if from here I can see Phil and as my eyes rake the Gryffindor table I feel a gaze lingering on me and after a while, my eye catches Phil's. I notice he's staring at me with a gentle look on his face and I smile a tiny bit, a blush coating my cheeks as I look back down. 

After minutes of me picking my food up on my fork and dropping it back down, not feeling hungry, I'm startled by the sudden, violent and loud noise of flapping wings. The hundred of owls fly in the room, dropping off packages and letters and I can't help but feel a tiny bit of hope each time one flies towards my direction. But when every single one has gone, and no letters are left in front of me, I can already feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I should have known they wouldn't care, I should've known they wouldn't make the effort. My breath hitches silently as I try my best to not let the tears spill, embarrassed by my own pathetic feelings. I feel everyone's gaze burning into me and I hear snickers from boys in front of me. I hug myself silently, wishing to get out here more than anything. I look up slowly and instantly find Phil's eyes searching mine, looking at me with so much gentleness I have to hold back the tears again. He blinks reassuringly at me and smiles warmly. 

His smile and expression make me believe that everything is going to be okay and I smile back, so grateful that maybe I’m not alone in this. Maybe with these little looks he'll help me through this. My hopes sink as I see him looking back to the people around him and talking enthusiastically with them, a sense of jealousy and dread washes over me. Who am I kidding, I know that I will never be enough for him, why would he want me as a friend when he can have all these wonderful people, these better people. With that thought in mind, I swear to myself that his smiles and reassuring looks won't be the only thing keeping me sane but as I look back down to my plate, I can't help but hold on to that memory of him hugging me and telling me everything is going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok someone bake me some cookies cuz i upDATED WOW YEAH I KNOW THAT'S OUT OF CHARACTER. But i figured I don't really wanna just leave this story like this so yeah I hope you liked it it took me some time to find the motivation :3 Tell me please what you thought ^^
> 
> love you all *hand hearts*


	6. 6

Phil's POV 

During the entire breakfast, I steal glances at Dan from time to time, making sure to be discreet about it. Every time I look over at the long and unwelcoming table, Dan is just looking down at his plate, a frown on his face and not even bothering to eat, sighing from time to time while the rest of the students chat animatedly around him. As he looks at his foods at if it's the most interesting thing he's ever seen, I can't help but think that he didn't belong on that table, with those people, all alone and obviously upset. I swallow the lump in my throat, the urge to hug and comfort him rising in me. But all I can do is sit here observing the boy while managing to keep the conversation going with the people around me.

Suddenly I feels a hand brush over my shoulder and I'm handed my schedule for the year by the Head of House, Professor McGonagall. Most of the words scribbled on the schedule I don't even know but I notice I have some time for myself and smile because I just know I’m going to be happy here. My smile falters slightly as I look up at Dan out of habit and see him look at the piece of paper with an expressionless face. I sigh and try to get the sad thoughts out of my head, I can't start caring and focusing so much on one person. My attention goes back to Mels who is currently giggling at something Troye said, from what I can see he's a real people person. Tiffany turns to me with a nice smile on her face, and even though she looks tough I actually learnt she's the least violent person you will ever meet, a bit like me I guess. 

“Are you staying in Hogwarts for the holidays?” She asks with an accent I can't quite place, I wonder briefly where she came from until I remember she asked me a question.

“Yeah I think so actually! It'll be buckets of fun being with all you guys.” I grin, ecstatic at the thought, I've always loved spending time with people, even when I don't especially know them. This makes me think back to Dan and for a second I get even happier thinking about the possibility of him staying at school for the holidays. 

“What about you?” I ask, because I’ve always been taught it's polite to retort a question when it's asked to you.

“I don't know, my mum is pretty strict, she gets worried easily but I'll try to convince her.” She says with a sweet smile and this makes me think of how lucky I am to have such a nice and sweet mother, it seems these days like everyone has problems with their parents, but I never do, they're just so accepting and open-minded. 

A bit later on, I notice as I'm having a discussion with Troye that people have started getting up and leaving their breakfast, probably about to attend their first class. As I, for one hate being late I excuse myself and start down the halls, Mels leading me, because I’m pretty sure I would get lost again. 

As I walk, I wonder how in hell am I ever going to get used to this place and how every detail is so beautiful. It never fails to amaze me and as I’m being dragged along by my freckled friend I stare in awe, everything catching my eyes, every painting and tapestry making me halt, but quickly being pulled along again by my wrist. Maybe one day I'll actually be able to see everything here.

The Slytherin students catch my eye and in the crowd I see Dan, being pushed around harshly by the other people and I suddenly feel bad for him, he has nobody to tell him where the classes are, nobody to laugh with at breakfast, and while I’m ecstatic about my stay here, I can feel how Dan feels the exact opposite. I shake the thoughts out of head as we head to the first class, which, as I read on my schedule, is Potions. 

I've heard about the teacher, Severus Snape and seen him at the table at breakfast and yesterday night, and all though he seemed cold, I can't judge people on the first impression, not that I should make an impression, he's only a teacher.

As we enter the classroom, most of the pupils are arriving at the same time and Mels sits down, looking at me expectantly and I smile widely taking the seat next to her. Well this should be fun. 

**

After nearly two hours of Snape talking in his low monotone voice and me trying my best not to be my usual clumsy self, I look back at my schedule trying to memorize it and notice I have a 15 minute break. I decide against already going to the library and study, what would I study anyway, the history of cauldrons? 

Instead I take advantage of the nice but not too hot weather and head out of the gigantic castle, slightly scared of getting lost, pin-pointing the exact door I exited from. My feet subconsciously lead me to the lake where Dan and I were sitting, well huddling, yesterday night. I sit, making myself comfortable in the green grass and just look around me, not taking out a book, not even listening to music. I just sit there breathing in the fresh air and relishing in my surroundings. 

“Didn't expect to see you here.” 

A familiar voice suddenly sounds behind me and I grin as I remember that's the exact thing I told him yesterday. I turn and see him there, looking unusually shy, shuffling his feet. He finally sits down next to me, but puts a bit of distance between us and I frown slightly. 

“What are you doing out here all alone?” He asks and I smile gently at him while he just picks at the grass absent-mindedly.

“Didn't feel like hearing Mels rant about her annoying brother for 15 minutes” I say with a slight giggle. “What about you? Aren't you with your friends?” 

As soon as I ask the question, I regret it as I see as flash of hurt crosses his eyes. 

“Does it look like I have people are queuing up to be friends with me?” He mumbles while harshly picking at the grass again, avoiding my sorry stare.

“I would.” I say with a smile and he chuckles slightly, looking back up at me. “Oh by the way, are you spending your holidays here or at home?” I ask, the question that's been eating me up since Tiffany bought it up. He seems thoughtful and suddenly he just looks very, very sad, sighing deeply and looking up at the sky

“Well, I'm pretty sure I'll be here, my dad doesn't want me around most of the time.” He stares at his feet again and I can think about is how lucky I am, again, while people like Tiffany had annoying and strict parents, Dan has a father that doesn't even care about him, it's a whole different level. He looks so fragile, sat there, staring thoughtfully at the grass and frowning slightly, like he regrets his words.

“I want you around! And I’m pretty sure I’ll be spending my holidays here too, we can spend them together!” I say, trying to cheer up but he just frowns even more and looks at me again, a confused expression on his face.

“Why would you want to spend your holidays with me? Wouldn't you rather spend them with... Mels or someone else?” He says, having trouble remembering the girl's name. 

“Not really no, you're much more interesting.” I say, being completely honest. His eyes go comically wide and I almost laugh, until he actually smiles widely at me, looking grateful. It's like no one ever compliments him, for some reason that just makes me even sadder.

We spend the rest of the break in that same spot and talk about everything and nothing, and I manage to make him smile from time to time and I really wish he would do it more because I miss his dimples when he doesn't

**

 

At 11:30, I come out of my History of Magic lesson and just as I’m about to head down to the lake again like I promised Dan I would, Mels grabs my wrist and turns me around.

“Where are you going Phil” she asks, curious, and I wonder for a brief second if I should tell her. Then I decide I should, it's not like we're doing anything wrong, even if hanging out with Slytherins seems controversial here, and we're probably going to be doing this for a while. 

“Um I’m going to see a friend I made earlier, his name is Dan he's from Slytherin, but he's very nice!” I add quickly and I wait for her to frown at me but she just nods and smiles.

“Cool! Maybe I can meet him some time, wouldn't want to miss being introduced to your boyfriend.” She teases in a sing-song voice and I blush deeply, embarrassed by the word. 

“He's not my boyfriend!” I exclaim but she just shakes her head, laughing and walks away leaving me completely dumbfounded. 

I shake myself out of it and walk out again, taking the path to the lake once more, which by now I know nearly by heart. Dan hasn't arrived so I sit and look around. After a couple of minutes I hear distant shouts and frown, getting slightly worried because my friend still hasn't arrived. I get up and walk towards the voices, I notice they're coming from a group of boys hidden behind a tree. I hear a familiar whimper and my breath hitches as I distinguish Dan being held down by the much bigger guys and punched repeatedly. Sure, the boys don't have a lot of strength but I can see what's getting to him isn't really the punches, just the fact that they started doing it.

I run over, not caring that the boys are big and suddenly interrupt them. Dan looks relieved when he sees me and I try to look intimidating as I speak up. 

“Stop or I swear I’ll tell Snape about this, don't think I won't.” The three boys look at each other for a second then run of and I let out a sigh of relief, glad that actually worked. 

I help Dan up, and even though he has only like 3 bruises he looks completely broken, like he's desperate for this stop, like he knows this is just the start. He doesn't say anything as he starts walking away, but I see him wiping tears from his cheeks and my heart breaks, because why would anyone do anything like this for no apparent reason? This is the problem though, because there is no reason, Dan will soon start thinking there was a reason and that he's the problem, that something is wrong with him. That's how bullying works, and as he walks quickly away, I don't even bother going after him, because I know now he just feels like he's not worth my friendship. My heart breaks for him all over again when he trips slightly, hugging himself tightly, trying to protect himself from his own awful thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! Been a long time! I didn't really feel like writing after what happened in Paris. I actually live in France and there was this really weird and gloomy atmosphere on monday at school, as if everyone had it in their minds but no one dared to talk about it.. Anyway, i hope you liked this, let me know if you did and i'll be sure to write chapter 7 quick! And yeah i used the old Hogwarts teachers, but the story is around Dan and Phil so you know. Oh AND I'm going to a tWENTY ONE PILOTS CONCERTS IN FRANCE YES. IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Really though, it feel so surreal. Anyway this is too long already Lov you guys please comment? :3 <3


	7. 7

3 years later (didn't see that coming did you)

Phil's POV 

For 3 years straight, even when our breaks got plagued by studying and homework, me and Dan spent them together, either at the library or at the usual spot by the lake. All though I didn't see Dan get bullied ever again, I saw the bruises on his arms and legs, even on his face sometimes, as he walked towards me with a sombre expression. It always made me scared that one day they would go too far and I wouldn't be there to stop it. I wondered often why they picked on him, because no matter how much Dan tried to hold back his tears on those dark days, I knew how much the punches, kicks and especially words got to him. Did it create some sort of victory for those idiots, seeing break? Many times I’d held the boy against me while he cried uncontrollably during that first year. Now he seems to ignore it, maybe someone told him he shouldn't cry at 15 years old, but I could see the pained expression on his face each time someone so much as pushed him or snickered at him when they thought he wouldn't notice. He always did though, I saw him grow paranoid and scared trying his best to be strong, and he was so strong when he held his head high in the corridors. 

Even though all my breaks were spent with Dan, my bond with the girls and guys of my dorm became stronger, weirdly enough I grew very close to Tiffany and she became one of my best friends with Mels. I didn't know I was what you could call “popular” until I heard some girls whispering my name and giggling, and Mels pointed them out with a smug look on her face. Surprisingly Mels also grew pretty close to Dan as she insisted to meet him and almost instantly they hit it off, I guess it's hard not to like the freckled girl.

Over all my fourth year at Hogwarts really couldn't be going any better and sometimes I wish I could say the same about my very best of friends Dan. Even though after 3 years of bullying and harsh words he grew strong I could sometimes see the way his sad eyes didn't twinkle when he was sat at the long Slytherin table, all alone, still not having made any friends. I still believed he didn't belong there. 

**

-24th December 2012-

I groan desperately and bang my head in frustration on the wooden table where all my books and pens are spread out. It's Christmas eve and while the others have gone out in the first snow of winter I forced myself to come and study in the library in preparation for my O.W.L.s because I haven't even tried in the past 4 months. To be honest I don't see the point of it because for some reason I absorb information easily and I usually don't need to study for any sort of test. But this is the exams and my mum even sent me a letter reminding me to study at least a little bit, she knows me and my procrastination. 

I rub my temples and just as I’m about to open my Transfiguration book I feel a cold hand on my shoulder and I instantly smile, I know exactly who that is. I turn around and see Tiff standing behind me grinning, no one else always has the capacity to have extremely cold hands even after sitting in front of the fire. 

“Is your spreading of school work all over this fine wooden table supposed to make me believe you're actually studying?” She says while raising her eyebrows and blowing a strand of frizzy dyed red hair our of her eyes. 

“That was the plan” I mutter as I turn back to my table and groan inwardly. She doesn't leave me though, she's an extremely stubborn person. Instead she leans her head on her arms and rest them of my shoulder and neck, creating a heavy weight on my shoulders, literally.

“Phil come on, you're not even getting anywhere with this! Just come outside, please? The snow is really awesome, we started making an igloo!”

“Tiff I just started studying and you're already stopping me?” I whine while trying to shift her weight off of me. 

“Well... you know you're not actually going to do any studying. Aaaand...” She says stretching the word and smiling cheekily “Dan joined us like 5 minutes ago, he was asking us where you were.”

At that information I instantly get up and grin at her, gathering quickly my books in my arms.

“Why didn't you say so first?” I say and she just laughs, following me out out of the library and into the halls of the castle. Surprisingly over the years I only managed to lose myself a handful of times.

“So how is it going with you and Chris?” I ask as I walk to my room to leave my school stuff. Tiff and Chris have been going out for about two weeks now when he asked her out, since then there's been some sort of tension between her and Mels. I wonder if maybe Mels likes Chris sometimes, even though I try not to get to much in their business, it is scary sometimes how angry Mels will get when she sees the two together. Tiff tenses next to me and I frown, putting my books down and heading for the exit of the castle.

“Ok I guess...” she says not very enthusiastically. 

“Wow, sounds like true love” I say sarcastically and she rolls her eyes at me.

“It's just that since we got together Mels has been avoiding me more and more, I miss my friend...” she looks down sadly, and I nod in agreement. Maybe I’ll talk to her later.

We head out and I nearly squeal at the snow on the ground and the snowflakes spiralling down quickly, making the place even more beautiful that before. I start running while grabbing Tiff's hand and I laugh in pure happiness while we head out to where our friends are, our feet crunching in the snow and my scarf flying behind me.

When we get to our circle of friends, who are now getting extremely intense in a snowball fight, I jump in the middle of them and land on my back in the snow and I hear everyone laughing around me. 

Suddenly I feel a weight and let out a “umpf” as Mels jumps on top of me with a giant grin, gesturing for the others to pile on top while I struggle underneath her. Soon everyone has followed Mels and now Chris, Joe, Caspar, Tiff, and finally Dan are laying on top of me all laughing. I let out a very girly squeal and try to get the human nuisances off. When they finally do, Dan is left in front of me as the other go back to planning the igloo, and he suddenly takes me in his arms and spins me round, laughing like I’ve never heard before. My heart warms and I ignore how unusually happy the hug makes me feel and how his touch sends a shiver down my spine. He puts me down and before he can say anything, I’m hit with a snowball and I glare towards Joe for interrupting the moment as he smiles sheepishly at me. I gather an enormous ball of snow and just as I'm about to throw it he squeals and hides behind Caspar, hitting him in the head instead. My eyes go wide and thus ensues a very intense snowball fight.

**

Later that night, me and Mels are sat in the common room while Tiff is saying good night to Chris. I observe Mels as she looks at them, an upset look on her face. I think I’m probably right about her liking Chris as she looks downright miserable when she seems them kiss innocently and lowers her gaze. Soon, Chris is gone and as Tiff says goodbye to us I turn to Mels.

“Mels what is going on?” She looks up at me and forces a smile on her face.

“I don't know what you mean.” I'm getting tired of her hiding things from me, I thought she was my best friend, so in exasperation I say : 

“Mels I know you have a crush on Chris, but that's doesn't mean you have to treat Tiff like a piece of shit.” For a second she just stares at me in confusion and then after a while, she just bursts out laughing, she just laughs in my face. 

After she calms down she smiles at me while shaking her head in desperation.

“Phil it's Tiff I like, not Chris!” And everything suddenly falls into place. Of course it was Tiff all along. 

“So you mean you're...” I say cautiously, treading carefully on my words, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

“I don't what I am Phil, but does it really matter? I don't want a label, I’m just me, I want my special label Mels.” She sighs at her owns words and I smile adoringly at her. I pull her into a tight hug and she nestles her face in the crook of my neck, mumbling a muffled “thank you”. 

Just then someone walks in and I see Tiff looking at us with an expression I can't quite make out, but she quickly leaves and I swear I can see a look of jealousy in her eyes. 

Those two are meant to be together, no labels attached.

**

-25th December 2012-

Me and Dan have both decided over the course of the next day to give each other's gifts in the evening, just the two of us. As the end of the day rolls around, I bury my face in the warm knitted scarf Mels made me for the special day as I walk back towards the library where I arranged to meet Dan. I hold the present I wrapped for him tightly in my hands and walk into the library, seeing him already there in a comfy armchair.

He looks up at me as I walk up to him and he smiles sweetly, making room for me on the armchair, and even though it's a bit cramped, I don't mind at all as our sides are pressed together, sending my heart beating impossibly faster. 

“Merry Christmas Phil, thank you for being my friend” Dan says softly. He's always been so caring and considerate towards everyone but with me it feels even realer. I try not to think too much of it as I turn a bit to face him. 

“Thank you for giving me that opportunity” I flash him a smile and before I can say anything else, he pulls out a gift from next to the armchair and I beam at him when he hands it to me. It's wrapped very neatly in a silver wrapping paper and is square and pretty flat. 

I take it carefully and as I eagerly tear it open my heart skips a beat when I see he made an entire frame where a painting must've once been and replaced it with pictures of the group and me and him, I guess the girls helped him with the photos because I recognize photos they took of us two. In the middle is a photo of me and him, laughing like idiots. It's always been my favourite picture of all time, Mels took it on a day like any others, when he'd said a sarcastic remark and I'd ended up laughing like an idiot, covering my mouth while he looked at me fondly.

I feel a smile stretch my face and I jump in his arms, well more like collapse in them since he's so close to me and he beams at how happy the gift made me.

“I love it” I mumble in his neck.

He holds me for a while until I slip out of his grasp, instantly giving him the really badly wrapped gift. He rolls his eyes at the flap sticking out.

“Hey, it's endearing!” 

“It looks like you made your owl do it” He says rolling his eyes again, but still opening it very carefully. I watch his long fine fingers unwrap the gift and I stare in anxious anticipation, scared the gift might be not enough after what he gave me.

But as soon as I see his eyes brighten up at the present, I know he likes it. I made him, as cheesy as it may sound, a best friend bracelet. It's made out of purple, white and grey strings carefully put together and in the middle is his name spelt in silver letters. The second part of the present is something I have no idea how he'll react to. I made him an actual “Best Friend In the World Certificate” and I expect him to chuckle at the stupidity at it. But he just looks at it for a second and to my surprise I see his eyes water as he smiles, emotion taking over.

“I've never been anyone's best friend before...” He says, as he hugs me tightly against him and even though that information doesn't surprise me, I still feel a pang of hurt for the boy in my arms. 

“Well now you are, and you're doing a wonderful job” I say comfortingly and I swear I can feel him smile against my shoulder. As he sits back up I slip on the bracelet and my fingers graze over his arms as I tie two knots, making my heart flip slightly. When I finish I just look back up at him and I suddenly realize how close he is to me and out of instinct, because it feels right for some reason I lean forward. But just as our lips are about to connect he coughs and sits straight up again, leaving a bit of tension in the air. It quickly leaves though as he makes some jokes about how cheesy and emotional we are, and I try to avoid staring at him for too long, making myself not like him even more, when it's clear he doesn't feel the same way.

 

That was the last time I ever spoke to my best friend Dan Howell, something happened during the time he went home for a couple of days. When he came back he wasn't the same, and I never heard of him again. Until today, 3 years later, when we both grew up and didn't get to spend our eighteenth birthday together because as the other years, he ignored me. That is, until today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes this is EXTREMELY cheesy, forgive me. The plot thickens..... How did you like this? Thoughts on the Tiff and Mels situation? Please comment :3 I had fun writing this it made very happy for some reason ^-^ Also, sorry if there are any mistakes, i didn't edit this, i'll do it tomorrow!


	8. 8

Phil's POV 

 

-September 1st 2015-

 

I rub my eyes sleepily, lazily dragging all my luggage behind me hearing student's footsteps echoing all around me, but due to how much I slept in the train I don't really pay much attention to my surroundings, still wrapped in the cocooning warmth of my sleep. 

It's crazy that this is my last year here, and all though I should be happy that school is nearly over, I'm absolutely terrified. I have no idea what is going to come after, I have some ideas but nothing seems perfect, nothing seems to fit exactly and that scares me because if I can't find anything perfect what is my life going to be reduced to? Those are scary thoughts for an eighteen year old.

It seems like yesterday that I was waiting on platform 9 ¾, 11 years old and nervous like I had never been before. Since then a lot has changed, not all good. I've figured so much out, about myself and about others. Maybe my biggest accomplishment was coming out as gay to my closest friends two years ago. I had an idea that I was bisexual but it suddenly hit me like a train that it was more than that, and more important, and certainly ten times scarier. Everyone was supportive, Mels and Tiffany squealed when I told them, apparently they love gay people, I don't think I’ll ever understand their obsession. Mels and Tiffany... well their friendship got thrown down the drain when Mels screamed at Tiff that she hated her after she kissed Chris in front of her. That was four months ago and I can't believe they haven't sorted things out yet. It's tiring always being in between them because I can't hang out with both of them at the same time any more. It's so obvious they love each other, I hate the fact that Mels still hasn't taken back her obviously false words and Tiff still thinks she hates her. Sometimes I catch her staring at Mels sometimes, and more than once I’ve had to hold the two girls in my arms while they cried uncontrollably, heartbroken. 

And then there's him. Dan. I don't know what happened to him, I haven't heard the sound of his voice once, well not addressed to me anyway. Because even though I try my best to ignore his existence like he ignores mine, I still catch myself staring at him during lessons and meals and I hate myself for that. In two days, two short days when he got suddenly called back home by his father, Dan changed completely. Or maybe it was progressive, I really couldn't tell, but I remember the day he came back from his two days like it was yesterday.

 

-28th December, 2012-

 

I look at my Hello Kitty watch for the thousandth time today and sigh when I see I’ve been waiting for Dan for 1 hour now and I wonder why I’m still here. Where could that idiot be? He was supposed to meet me at the library after getting back at the school. Maybe he had to stay longer... I wonder with hope. 

With one last pointed look at the door, praying to every god I don't believe in to open the door, I turn back and walk slowly to the dormitories, hugging myself from the frosty cold.

Back in the common room I flop down on the couch in front of the fire while Mels raises an eyebrow at me. 

“What's got you down buddy?” She says, eyeing me curiously.   
“Dan hasn't come back yet...” I say trailing off and looking in the distance with a dramatic stare. I nearly feel her rolling her eyes at me. 

“You are so obsessed with him.” She says calmly and despite trying not to, my cheeks flush and I protest immediately.

“I am not! I just tend to... miss him when he leaves.” I suddenly realize how clingy I sound and bury my head in the pillows, mumbling : “I am so obsessed with him...” 

She laughs, ruffling my hair while walking past me.

“Right well I’m off to bed, try not to dream too much of your crush, you might wake up the other boys...” She trails off and I go to punch her arm but she bursts out laughing and quickly escapes me, running towards the girl's dormitories. 

“He is not my crush!” I shout after her and I hear her laughing at me in the corridor. 

I grumble in frustration because damn, there's nothing I can hide from her. Because I, Phil Lester, 15 years old and completely inexperienced in the dating area, am completely crushing on Dan Howell, my best friend of three years. 

 

-the next day-

 

I sit at the long Gryffindor table, nearly biting my nails off with stress. 

“He'll be there, stop worrying!” Tiffany says, gently putting a hand on my shoulder and I notice Mels tense up next to me. There's another thing I have to deal with, these two idiots, who obviously like each other. But the thoughts about my two best friends suddenly vanish when Slytherins start pouring in and just like that, I feel my blood turn cold at what I see. Because Tiff is right, Dan is there but not trailing behind the others like usual, he's walking confidently next to three other guys, laughing along with them. I should be glad that he's made friends but instead I feel sick because the three guys in question are the ones who have been tormenting him for years, the ones that had made him cry, that had broken him. And now he's with them, like they're his best friends. 

I nearly hiss in anger when they all sit down next to each other, and Mels turns to me in surprise. I don't say anything, just point to the guys and she frowns, obviously just as confused as me. 

“Why is Dan hanging out with those dicks?!” I whisper-shout at the girls, but they both just give me confused glances, so I go back to observing the subject of my obsession. 

I nearly recoil when he turns his head and catches me staring. His eyes. They're so cold when he looks at me, like he hates me. I gulp and I can't seem to look away as he raises his eyebrows at me and for a second, just for a second, I recognize something of the old Dan in his gaze but just like that, it's gone and he turns his head back to the guys. For the rest of breakfast, I just stare at him, trying my best not to cry like a baby when he doesn't look back at me like he used to.

He isn't himself any more, he's changes, something happened and now he's changed. Now he isn't my best friend any more and I never will be his. And no matter how much I tell myself that it's ok and that I don't need him, that doesn't stop me from crumbling in tears that night, hurt and upset from a guy I realized too late wasn't just a crush. Hurt by the guy I’m in love with.  
-Present day-

I shake myself from the dreaded thoughts as I enter the Grand Hall, breathing in the Hogwarts air. There's no point in dwelling on horrid thought. But I miss him, I miss so much, even though it's been 3 years he's still a part of my thoughts. Someone, I can't quite remember who, once told me that I just missed the memory of him and maybe that's true but that doesn't stop how much it hurts every time I think about what he did to me. The rest of that year was hell for me, I cried more tears than in the rest of my life. Because of one stupid guy. I know I’m too needy and I know I get too attached but I can't help it, and I can't help hating the fact that I lost someone so important to me. Every time I come back to that part of my life, I can't help thinking that it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough for him, that I was too clingy, too annoying, just not. Good. Enough. I tried talking to him so many times, and so many times he just looked at me while I rambled with cold eyes then walked away, not saying a word. 

For the second time I shake my head, frustrated at myself for thinking about him again when there's no point. Suddenly energy and happiness courses through me when I think that I’m finally going to see the girls and all my friends again! The first one I spot is Troye, sitting next to Chris and I run over, hugging the two from behind. I plop down in front of them instinctively where I have a view of the Slytherin table. 

“Phil! We missed you so much, how was your summer?” Chris says excitedly, while Troye watches us in delight. 

“Oh amazing! Even though my mum kept bugging me about the exams ugh, it's not like I’m not going to study, just that studying during summer holidays was made by Satan you know?” 

Chris laughs and just as I’m about to return the question, I feel a presence next to me and I turn my head slowly. Mels is just standing there, beaming at me and I get up instantly, squealing while hugging her tightly. We haven't been able to see each other all through the summer because she lives so far away, and being my best friend there is a limited amount of days I can live without her. After all the “I've missed you”'s and comments about my hair she sits down next to me, bumping her shoulder with mine playfully. 

“Have you seen Tiffany yet?” I say, almost regretting it when she shoots me a death glare. Almost.

“How would I know?” She mumbles angrily but even I can detect the sadness in her tone.

Just then, maybe because I was talking about her, I hear a voice behind me : 

“Hey bitch” 

I turn, a full grin on my lips and throw myself at her. She laughs and gives my cheek a big sloppy kiss before letting me go. I assess the situation between her and Mels and I see the latter glaring at the table. Tiff gulps and, shocking everyone at the table, takes on a determined look and reaches forward, kissing Mels's cheek softly, whispering a hello in her ear. 

When Tiff goes to sit on my other side, I can feel the tension in the air as Mels just sits there, her mouth slightly ajar and a stunned look on her face. I hold back a laugh and shoot a “I can't believe you just did that” look. She just grins at me and just as I’m about to say something to clear some of the tension, my eye catches on to something else. Or rather someone else. There he is, and even though I hate myself for thinking it, I can see how beautiful he looks just from where I’m sitting.

Except something's wrong. Because instead of staring right on with confidence and arrogance, this time like I’d seen him do so many times before the two dreaded days, he's walking head down, looking at the floor before taking a seat but not next to his usual “friends”. He just takes a random empty chair and sits down, his face in his hands for a moments before rubbing his forehead. I analyse his every movement, looking for a sign, anything to show me that maybe, just maybe he's back. My Dan may be back. I search his eyes but he's rubbing his temples eyes closed. 

And then it happens, he very suddenly looks up, directly at me, not blinking and holds my gaze. From here I can see the bags under his eyes and something that looks like a bruise on the left of his cheekbone. I gulp and he just watches me watching him, his expression tired and hurt. And his eyes, they're not cold, they're warm and welcoming. It feels like we've been looking at each other for hours when very slowly, he blinks, like he's trying to hold back tears and his mouth lifts up in a tight, sad, tentative and very small smile. But it's a smile nonetheless and the I hate the effect it has on me, making my heart beat faster, my palms go sweaty and my eyes fill with tears. It may seem like I’m overreacting but he hasn't looked at me with those eyes, those warm eyes for three years. Three long years and it still has the same effect on me as it had before. 

“Hey Phil are you ok...?” I hear Tiff say beside me and I realize that she can probably tell I have tears in my eyes. I nod and try not to let them escape, my gaze still fixed on Dan who is now looking at me like I’m the most interesting person ever. 

“What happened?” My friend asks again and I turn slowly towards her, my hands slightly shaking, and I let out a breath when Dan's intense gaze is broken from mine.

“Dan smiled at me.” I whisper, looking at her with a stunned expression. Tiffany smiles slowly but then her smile drops, looking at me with a stern look.

“So? That douche hurt you, a smile can't repair what he broke okay? Don't you dare let him in your life again that easily”. 

I gulp but nod slowly because I know she's right. 2 years ago I wouldn't have given it a second thought, I would've given him a second chance just like that without even him having to ask but now, after all that's happened, all those nights of crying over him, all that hurt, it's not happening. No matter how many times he smiles at me, how many times he apologizes, how many times he explains, I won't let myself fall for him again. I won't, because if I do, I don't know if this time I’ll manage to get back up again. And I can't risk it, because I know that if I give him another chance there is no way I’m going to be able to resist him, there is no way that he won't find a way into my heart again. And this time who knows what he'll do to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello look who's back :D Did you like this? Tell me what you thought! pleeease :3 This is where the story kind of really starts, this was the plan all along. I'm sorry if I get some things wrong in the Harry Potter universe, even though I absolutely adore the series I am not an absolute expert but feel free to point things out, and when I've finished the whole book I'll edit the whole thing cuz let's be real the first chapters are soo shit.
> 
> Love ya guys!!


	9. 9 - Tiff and Mel's Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An insight into Tiff and Mels's little story ^-^

Mels's POV 

 

"So? That douche hurt you, a smile can't repair what he broke okay? Don't you dare let him in your life again that easily"

I can't help but snort loudly at that comment and Tiff turns to me with a look of disbelief. I just return her glare steadily and try not to lose myself in her stupid eyes, that stupid face, perfect face. The tension in the air is clear and, with my eyes still fixed on her I say in a quiet calm voice : 

“Everyone deserves a second chance.” 

Tiff watches me for a moment then with a frustrated sigh she looks back at Phil and proceeds to comfort him but I don't listen to her words, staring back down at the table, and I can't help feeling retched and upset. I know she still hasn't forgiven me for saying I hate her, but it was hard to tell her I was in love with her when she was kissing Chris like her life depended on it, even though they haven't been together for 3 years. 

-4 months earlier- 

This was it, I was finally going to do it after all these years. I was terrified but there was no going back now, not after so much convincing by Phil. I knew Tiff would be in the common room and while I found a bit of hope that maybe she had feelings for me too, my palms were sweaty and my stomach turned out of shear anxiety. 

I took a deep breath before saying the password out loud, the portrait slowly making way for me. I walked through the opening, nearly forcing my mind to make my muscles move, so scared of rejection, not wanting my heart broken. But I couldn't keep it in any longer and I had to make the first move, I know how Tiff is, there is no way she is going to talk about her feelings, sometimes I wonder if she even has any.

Just as I’m about to step inside the common room and confront my best friend I stop, my blood turning cold, and my breath stopping, feeling like I might throw up. Tiff is there all right but she isn't alone, and she certainly doesn't have feelings for me, not when her lips are attached to Chris's, her arms around his neck like she's holding on to him for dear life, nearly desperately. 

I just stand there, I can't tear my eyes away as I clench my hands into fists, tears springing in my eyes. As they break apart, Chris smiles slightly and pats Tiff's shoulder, almost in a friendly way which doesn't make any sense, then leaves for the boy's dormitories. Tiff sighs heavily then turns around and nearly recoils when she sees me there, me gulping away the tears repeatedly, no matter what I’m not crying in front of her. But I’m not the only one upset because I see tears streaming down her face, which really doesn't make any sense to me. 

I don't say anything, scared that I’ll say something I regret. Instead I start walking past her towards the dorm but I feel a hand on my arm, gripping me tightly and I turn to face her

“Mels I...” She doesn't get to finish whatever she was going to say. Because just then I break, my eyes searching hers for any kind of love but I just find hurt and guilt. 

“What, you're sorry? A bit late for that isn't it? Maybe you should go back to making out with Chris, you obviously love him.” 

“Mels I don't love him!” She says, while I can feel tears pouring out of my eyes.

“I don't care!” I say, nearly shouting at her, making her flinch. “Why would I care, you think I love you or something? Stupid, delusional idiot! I don't love you, go find someone who does!” 

I don't wait to see the effect my words have on her as I feel her hand drop, letting my arm go, as I rush out of the room, my own words burning my throat with regret. 

-Present day-

I never told Phil what I’d actually said that dreaded day, too ashamed of my own stupid words. Maybe because I didn't want to believe it myself, I broke a lot of things that day, including my own heart. 

But now I know that maybe, just maybe Tiff has started forgiven me, and maybe I can properly apologize to her because I need to fix this. I take a deep breath and turn towards Tiff who's still in deep conversation with Phil about that idiot Dan. 

“Hey Tiff?” I say quietly and she looks up, nearly choking when she sees I’m the one who talked to her. I guess it's been a while. “Can we... can we talk during break? Alone?” 

Tiff looks like she's waited for those words since the day I said the other ones, and her eyes light up a hopeful grin lighting up her face. 

“Yes! Yes of course I mean... yeah sure.” She says and I almost laugh when she tries to disguise her excitement. Well this is it then. 

-break-

I walk nervously towards the spot near the lake where I arranged to meet Tiff, seeing a mop of short red-dyed hair already waiting for me, sat picking at the grass absent-mindedly. I sit next to her, not regretting asking her here seeing the way she looks today. Beautiful is the only word. I've always admired how confident she is with her look, it was two years ago that she decided to completely change her appearance by cutting her hair and dyeing it red. She looks incredible with her light brown eyes, almost orange.

“So, what do you have to say to me?” Tiff says, not in a mean way, she legitimately just sounds curious. I guess I've been just a little too be secretive about my emotions when it's really not like me. 

“Well I um I’m sorry about... you know. I want you to know I didn't mean any of it quite the opposite-” I cut myself short, hoping to god she didn't notice my slip up, because I basically admitted I love her. But Tiff isn't an idiot and she turns to look at me, an emotion I can't quite place on her face. 

“I guess that you didn't mean it but... Why did you even say it in the first place?” My eyes widen in disbelief, the situation just got 10 times worse because now I know that she doesn't know how I feel and what it did to me when I saw her with Chris. 

“Before I answer that, can I ask you a question? And please promise to answer me honestly.” There's really nothing to it now, I think to myself. I'm going to have to confess to her, no matter how much I want to just run away right now, no matter how terrified I am or not ready, this is the time. She nods quickly, searching my eyes too intensely for me.

“Why were you kissing him? Why were you kissing Chris?” She gulps slowly, looking down and sighs in defeat. “Are you two back together?” 

“No! No no no...” Tiff says quickly, laughing humourlessly. “listen Mels the only reason I was kissing him was because... because I was lonely ok? I know it was stupid and heartless but I was lonely and I had... Have this crush on this person that obviously doesn't feel the same and at that moment I just took what was there. I told him though, I told him that it didn't mean anything” 

She has a crush on someone. Of course, it makes sense now how Chris seemed distant with her and not really into that stupid kiss. My stomach churns for a moment because I got myself in this stupid situation and now I have no way to get out of it, I have to tell her, when she wants the words coming out of another mouth, someone she likes who isn't me. 

I guess my heart was meant to be shattered.

“So this person... Are they special?” Tiff takes a deep breath and turns to me, it looks like she just took the biggest decision of her life. 

“Yeah, she is.” She says in a whisper, and I’m suddenly aware of how close she is to me, I can feel her right there her whole presence her entire person is just at my reach. “Yeah, you are.” 

And just like that her lips are on mine.

For a moment I’m just shocked, too taken back to even move. But then she brings me back to life when she cups my cheeks strongly and slowly I kiss her back, and it all feels so real. There are no sparks no fireworks but it's so much better. Because sparks and fireworks are so abstract, so fleeting. No, this is something else. Because I can feel all of her and I’ve never felt so alive, her presence so close to me, I'm suddenly so aware of so much, the grass brushing against my leg, Tiff's hand on my cheek, her perfume floating around me and the breeze making my cheeks slightly red with cold. 

Just as she pulls away slowly, the moment is broken, shattering by a terrified, shaking, voice sounding behind us. We turn around at the same time and see Troye completely tripping over his words, so I get up quickly feeling his panic rise and put my hands on his shoulders. 

“Troye! Troye breathe. Breathe and start again. What happened?” Troye does as instructed and takes a deep breathe before trying again.

“It's Dan, I mean Phil, h-he's in the hospital wing. Dan, it was Dan he hit him I couldn't stop it, Dan just kept hitting him... It was Dan...” 

And just like that he broke down into tears, his sobs and words echoing in my ears while I ran down the halls so fast like I’d never ran before, Tiff's hand gripping mine firmly, hoping to god that this was just one big misunderstanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something to keep you going while I start writing the next chapter! You better like it :P So yeah I'll update the main storline before I go back to school which is in like 3 days fINALLY. But anyways tell me if you liked this little insight into what happened between the two idiots!
> 
> Stay Golden!
> 
> Charlotte xxx


	10. 10

Phil's POV

After walking out of charms class, Mels quickly abandoned me to go join Tiff by the lake where they'd arranged to meet, and as much as I would love to go with her I had no desire to watch the two make out. I'm not too fond of being the third wheel.

So that's why right now I'm roaming the halls, forever enchanted by the beautiful place, trying to capture the beauty of every corner, of every tapestry and every painting. All the memories in the walls suffocate me, it's like I'm walking in the past, melancholy drowning me making me think back to when my life was so much different. Because no matter how much it hurt to love someone that didn't feel the same it was still better than losing him all together. I often wonder what happened in two short days that made him change so much, and the more I think about it the more it makes my head hurts. It must've had something to do with his family that's the only explanation, but what could've been so bad that his entire soul drowned in cruelty?

"You should stop staring at the wall you're making it feel self-conscious" A slightly familiar voice sounds from behind me and I turn, gulping when I see him just standing there, leaned against the wall, with a lopsided grin, like he owns the place. This is the first time he's spoken to me in 3 years and all that he has to say is a sarcastic comment about my stupid staring? Who does he think he is?

"Why are you here?" I say coldly, not letting him owning me.

"Why are you walking around looking high?" I let out a small humourless laugh and stare at him incredulously, shaking my head in disbelief.

"Why do you always have to lower everybody's self-esteem?"

"Maybe to make it as low as mine" He says sarcastically and it hits me like a train how much I hate his sarcasm, because even though it hides so much truth he keeps using it as a defence mechanism. And even though he said those words in a sick twisted joke I know just how true they are.

"What happened to you Dan..." I say,sounding more like a statement than a question.

"I grew up Philly" He says sarcastically and I pinch the bridge of my nose, hating that I still find him ridiculously beautiful, hating that I'm finding it so hard to hate him.

"No Dan. You grew dark." I look him straight in the eyes when I say this but his expression doesn't change, even becoming clearly colder. I hate that that coldness is directed towards me.

"I always was." He says and the way he says it, sounding like he's desperately trying to make me believe it sends a shiver down my spine.

"No you weren't! Don't you remember how we were, how we... how we used to be so close? How you were so sweet and so caring and-"

"I was weak!" He says, advancing towards me dangerously, raising his tone at me and for the first time ever I'm actually scared of him.

"Being caring doesn't mean being weak Dan." I say shaking my head, trying desperately to make him see that this isn't who he really is. "And you can say a lot of things to me but you will never make me believe that you don't care about me"

His face twists in a bitter expression as he takes another step, making my back hit the wall behind me and fear trails it's cold finger down my spine.

"Who says I have to say anything to make you believe that?" He says, and I hate that he's slightly taller than me and is now towering over me.

"You care I know you do, not only that but you know it. I know you do just say it! Say you care it's not that hard! Say you-" And just that, I see him break in front of him and I'm cut off short as I feel a stinging pain on my cheek, making my entire face hot in pain.

Dan just punched me.

As realization hits me it's already too late and I can't run away because he pins my hands down with his right hand and as I take a deep open-mouthed breath, feeling like I'm going underwater and suddenly pain courses through me as he hits me in the gut, and I cough, gripping my stomach, hearing a faint shout from somewhere on my left. I lift my head slowly and I'm met with Dan's gorgeous brown eyes, looking at me with so much hate that I flinch away from him.

But he's not done and as his expression turns dark and mad, he continuously punches me, my heart breaking and my body screaming no as he just looks like he can't stop, like he's taking everything out on me. And as I hear that voice from earlier screaming, in my last thoughts recognizing it as Troye, everything goes numb, not registering anything any more and as everything goes black all I can see is that twisted and broken expression on the face of the guy that after all this, I still can't bring myself to hate.

**

"...can't believe Dan did this..." I hear a faint whisper coming from my left as I feel my mind start up again, feeling sleep draining me but I force myself awake, not opening my eyes, not just yet because for once I really don't feel like seeing the world while I feel so retched and upset.

"I just... Phil trusted him so much. How could that asshole do that to him? I swear if I see him I'll fucking kill him" I recognize Tiff's voice and I flinch at how angry she sounds, I've never heard her so upset and I really believe her when she says those disgusting words.

"Yeah... but I-" Her voice is cut short as the door to the hospital wing opens and I do my best to keep my eyes squeezed shut.

"How dare you fucking come in here?!" I hear Tiff get up and I gulp, having this horrid feeling that Dan just stepped in the room.

"I- I just wanted to know if Phil is ok..." my heart falters at the tone in his voice.

Tiff snorts and for a second I can't hear anything until I hear feet squeaking on the floor and a noise of pain coming from Dan. I can't bear hearing the sound and suddenly I find myself opening my eyes and sitting up, seeing Tiff had grabbed Dan's collar, him looking scared, his eyes red and his face looking exhausted.

"Let him go" I say calmly, and Tiff turns to me in disbelief, but after a second of reflection, lets Dan go, who's looking at me with wide eyes. I just stare back coldly and then get up, my bones slightly aching but feeling close to no pain thanks to Mrs Pomfrey. I walk confidently towards that stupid guy and stop right in front of him, letting out in a growl of fury :

"Get out"

"But Phil I... I'm sorry please don't do this I need you I-"

"Get. Out." I say, forcing my tone not to waver at the impossible tears falling down his cheeks, making him sniff and look like a mess.

He shoots me one last pleading look before turning around, hands on his head, nearly pulling the hair out of his head and I do my best not to feel preoccupied for his health.

As I walk back to my bed, deciding I really need more sleep, Tiff pulls me into a bone-crushing hug , but I just stand there, not hugging me back. She lets me go and grips my shoulders, looking somewhat extremely worried.

"Are you okay Phil?"

"I'm fine." I say without emotion and shake myself out of her grasp, making my way to the bed and once again slipping under the covers, not caring about my two best friend's incredulous and worried stares.

I'm really not okay and they know it.

I just got beaten up, and by non other Dan Howell, the guy that after 3 years of having ignored me offered me a real smile, giving me hope, then beat me up mercilessly. And I hate that I'm still in love with him. I'm so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Comment what you thought about this chapter my lovelies ;3 I ain't gonna abandon this story don't you worry because as cliche and stupid as it may sound I started this in summer at 5 in the morning during the worst two months of my life and doing this made me feel much better about myself. Because before the summer holidays I had an incredibly low self-esteem and that summer made it even worse and all your kind words have helped me so much ^^
> 
> Yeah yeah I know it's just a story, get a grip Charlotte but guys I need you in my life so don't you go leaving me <3
> 
> RIGHT now let's stop all this stupid sappiness please comment and vote if you liked it even a bit ^-^
> 
> That's Mels at the top ! 
> 
> Also!! Where are all you guys from? Love you <3
> 
> Stay Golden <3
> 
> Charlotte xxx


	11. 11

Dan's POV (No you ain't dreaming)

 

-September first 2015-

 

Final year at Hogwarts, and I have feeling it's going to be my worst. Always the optimist I think to myself and nearly snort at my own ironical thoughts. My head spins as I walk, all energy drained from me, and I do my best not to let my eyes droop, holding my head sloppily with my left hand in an uncomfortable position. The air feels nice when I breathe it in, feeling better in the familiar environment of the Grand Hall. I don't know what made me sit down away from "friends" today, maybe I just can't do it any more, the pretending, or maybe I've never truly been able to do it and today is just another day in the life.

My brain is a mess today and I feel like going some place quiet where my brain isn't interfering and just crying. But the truth is everywhere I go my brain interferes and not one place in this damn world seems to be where I belong. Tears of frustration build up and my throat tightens but I swallow everything down quickly, there's really no point in breaking down into tears in the middle of the Grand Hall, I've done enough of that in my short unimportant existence.

My last year. Finally, then I'll be free. Of what I don't really know for now, of home, of school, of every memory and chance that I didn't take suffocate me.

Speaking of memory, I suddenly tilt my head up and look towards the table where he's always sat with all his friends. They used to be my friends too. My heart clenches at the thought and again my throat tighten, the knot growing bigger and I take a big gulp of air, forcing my entire body to resist the urge of letting the tears out.

When I look up, I choke back a desperate laugh because of course, the idiot is staring at me, an incredulous expression on his face. That stupid, beautiful face. God I miss him. For a minute I imagine how it could've been if things had been different then I remember that there's no point, those days are gone and they can never be any more like that. I blink back the tears at the hopeful look in his eyes and very slowly, I try for a smile. I can't imagine how I look, my face exhausted and a tight smile on my face, probably terrifying but I can nearly feel the warmth coming from him. Too soon he breaks away from my steady gaze to turn slowly to Tiff sitting next to him. I hate that I don't even have the privilege to talk to him.

I'm a mess inside, my entire mind going completely crazy. I'm scared of the overwhelming emotion coming from me, and I may be an ugly idiot but I recognize it. Fucking love.

Of course I would still love him. I know somewhere inside me I never stopped but now something inside me clicks and I let my head fall in my hands, pulling nervously on my hair, a habit I've taken to when I feel too anxious. I guess I've never had good outlets.

Those eyes, that face, that stupid perfect personality, I hate him so much for being him. Jealousy burns through me when I think about how much pain I went through when he was just there, with his friends where he belongs.

The sweet memory of happiness burns through me, making every inch of my mind and body hurt with regret and hate for myself. I did this to myself, and that's what really hurts. I wish there was someone, anyone to blame for what happened but the only demon I'm battling is myself, and internalizing my feeling is a better alternative than civil war.

I try not to breath too hard, scared to feel the pain of the mark left on the skin of my stomach if I do. I stroke my cheekbone for a moment, and flinch as I feel the sting of the bruise he left there.It happened again yesterday. Harder than ever before, with so much hate that it's now redirected towards me. So much hurt. Yesterday it was a kick and a punch, maybe two, I lost count.

The first time it happened it was 3 years ago and I still remember it as clearly as yesterday.

 

**

 

-26th December 2012-

I walk sluggishly, my back aching from all the dragging of my bags and other stuff. I don't understand why I always have to go back home after Christmas, it's not like my parents give a shit if I'm there or not. At least they let me spend Christmas day with the people I actually love. I smile at the thought of Phil, probably having breakfast right with sleepy eyes and I nearly "awe" out loud at the image. There's nothing not cute about that guy.

I shake the invading thoughts away as my dad opens the door to the enormous house I live in. I've always despised the place, it's never felt like home with it's white tiles and empty memories. My dad slowly puts some of my stuff on the floor as I do the same and closes the door with a thud, leaving me in the cold looking place.

I sigh and start walking aimlessly, ending in the best part of the house, the kitchen. I take out a packet of crisps and sit myself down, not caring about the crumbs I might leave on the sofa. Just as I close my eyes to quickly relax, my dad's voice resonates from behind me.

"So Dan" He says and I open my eyes, knowing that he means business, sitting myself up slightly and gulping down the crisps I have in my mouth. No sentence starting like that ever finishes well.

"How's school?" He asks simply, and I fight the urge to tell him to just get to the point, knowing that he doesn't care about how school is going for me. Instead I decide to play along with his chit-chat, full well aware of the consequences if I suddenly cut him off.

"Very good thanks dad." I say politely, sounding like I'm addressing a complete stranger.

"What about your friends? Go anything to tell me about them?"

Here it is, I think while I sigh internally. Of course, he wants to know if I'm "hanging around the right crowd" as he so poetically puts it. Today though it sounds different. A chill goes through me. Does he know? I take a big breath, my stomach churning feeling sick and open my words. At first the words don't come out, no pun intended, it's like my entire body is against me getting those stupid words out. And suddenly I feel a voice say the words, knowing it's mine without actually having felt like I pronounced them.

"I'm gay."

A silence fills the room and I feel like I'm going to faint with anxiety, my whole body shaking, my wide eyes fixed determinately on the ground.

"No you're not."

My world shatters around me as the voice of my father resonates like a stone dropping in a still lake, rippling with hate and disgust. I stand up slowly to face him, him looking at me with a strange mix of emotion in his eyes.

"Yes dad, I am." This time only hatred is left in his eyes as my heart breaks. I know I just lost all respect from a father who didn't have much for me to begin with. But it still hurts.

I'm about to open my mouth when I feel it. The slap. He slaps me straight across the face, leaving me with a face of pure shock and a stinging pain in my cheek. It's not like any old slap, it feels like so much more, I feel every moment of hate through it and every insult put into one, just one slap.

"Listen to me boy" he says as I close my open mouth, tears prickling at the corner of my eyes. "You, are not a disgusting faggot. You hear me?" he grabs my arm and jolts me back and forth violently, permanently taking away my feeling of shock. "You hear me?!" He asks, his voice booming and resonating through every cell of my body. All I can do is nod frantically, and he finally let's go of me, my skin burning where he gripped me.

"And dry those weak tears away, boys don't cry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!
> 
> First of all sorry I didn't update last week-end, I was sooo busy. Second I hope this is an ok chapter and not too sloppy. I'm so so sorry it's not longer i'm really sorry to disappoint any of you guys this was just a bit hard to write...
> 
> I don't know my life is getting pretty frustrating.
> 
> I kinda just want someone to like burst in my life and idk gimme love cOME ON where is my fairytale love D:
> 
> So David Bowie died. It feels so unreal to write it like that idk it's like to me he was just always there, just present and immortal you know. In a way he is but I can't help but feel completely abandoned.
> 
> Also Alan Rickman died. Fml.
> 
> Anyways special thanks to @Todesschlaefer for being completely awesome and commenting on every chapter, i heart you. (alsoyou'rereallyprettyit'snotfairpleasekickmeinthefaceyoucan'tbereal)
> 
> Anyways I'll see you guys next week don't forget to comment what you thought of the chapter <3
> 
> Charlotte
> 
> Stay Golden
> 
> The stars look very different today...


	12. 12

Phil's POV 

 

I took me about 10 minutes to go back to sleep after Dan left the hospital wing, with a face painted in the shade of regret, an emotion I couldn't even fathom right now. Guilt wasn't good enough, I wanted him to feel remorse, to feel like he'd just ruined everything, to feel a deep unhappiness just so that it could even begin to match mine. 

Every kick, every punch, all those words coming out of a bitter mouth, I remember everything and my brain isn't letting me forgetting it. I wanted to scream at him, to shake him, to beat him down until maybe he could even comprehend how much he psychologically broke me. But I wouldn't because that wasn't the worst part. Oh no, it was so much worse. Because for all those years I felt that every cell in my body and every part of brain wanted to be someone else, someone more, someone better because maybe then, just maybe, I would be good enough for him. And now, after never having gotten over the overwhelming mess of my emotion, he walked right back in, forgetting to erase the footprint he left 3 years earlier.

Am I being too melodramatic? I think as I lay on my bed on my side, my mind to tired to even produce more tears. I don't want to believe it, I want to erase the hate in his eyes as he looked at me, searching for something in me. Maybe he wasn't really looking, maybe he had no excuse, maybe Dan is gone. Maybe Dan was never there.

“I always was” The stranger's words in that familiar voice send shivers down my spine and I feel like running away from this place in which I’m now trapped. 

I turn around, gulping down the dry tears that threaten not to spill over. The dorm room feels oddly empty despite the boys sleeping in the beds in that same room. The blanket feels cold in the warm nice-scented air, the once comforting darkness feels threatening and weighs down on my entire body.

My mind goes numb for a second, just one and I realize how late it is, and even though my brain is still at work, going over every bad thing that has ever happened to me, my body is fighting and the civil war is finally won, sleep taking over all of my senses. 

 

**

 

Something must me wrong with me. I think to myself for the third time this morning as I sit in the Grand Hall, my left knee jumping up and down repeatedly, causing Troye to look nervously in my direction, probably too anxious to say anything and even though I know how much he hates when people do things like this, I can't stop. Any distraction is better than staring at the empty spot where he sits in the morning. The people on the table around me are oddly quiet, and although I can try to blame that on Tiff's hate for people who talk to her in the morning, I know how to distinguish two sorts of quiets. Because there's the normal one and then there's this one, when everyone just knows that any word would be too much and would just seep into my skull. I hate this quiet. 

My leg by now is driving Troye crazy, I know by the way he keeps twitching and looking at it like he wishes he could cut it off. In front of me, Tiff is walled in her usual half hour of silence she needs to emerge from her cocoon. And next to me, Mels just eats, sometimes sending glances towards Tiff, winking at her, sending shocks of jealousy through my body, making my anger flare even more. 

I will my stupid body to stop reacting so harshly to everything but just as I feel my leg starting to slowly come to a stop and my breathe thump quieter, something or rather someone catches my eye, and I can't help but turn my head as everyone else does. There, held by the arm by McGonagall's firm hand, is Dan, entering the room and for once I recognize the expression he harbours pretty clearly : dismay. 

I gulp slowly as he goes to sit down, again away from his friends and next to some Slytherins I don't know, and that I’m pretty sure he doesn't either. 

I look down quickly, down even daring to give him the satisfaction to meet my eyes. Or maybe I’m just scared that he doesn't even want our eyes to meet. 

 

**

 

It's only later when I’m finally on my break and that I ditched my friends for fear of being not a very good one at the moment, that I get my first real moment of peace. I just let the wind blow in my face gently, the cold air enveloping me, the grass probably staining my robes and blocking out all the pointless conversations of all the happy people around me. 

I search my mind for anything, any quote from any song to keep me going, but all I come up with him is a stupid lyric from a song called Me. “I love you, don't you mind.” Nothing special, just that. And for some reason it hits me hard. Because no he doesn't mind, he doesn't care, and for all the hatred I have pent up inside me, I still can't help but direct towards me rather than him. Because I love him, and I will never let go. 

“Didn't expect to see you here...” 

My whole body freezes over, even my fingertips seem to hear the words. For a second, I doubt I even heard the familiar words said by that familiar voice but I know instantly by the wobble and the crack at the end of the sentence that no, I didn't imagine it. I take a deep breath, chewing seemingly absent-mindedly on my fingernail. I close my eyes and for a second I just wish that I would have the courage to stand up and shout at him but instead I stare right ahead, making my face as emotionless as possible. 

Dan Howell sits down next to me, and I nearly feel the mechanics going on in his brain, like he is measuring every word and every movement he makes.

“Well. Here we are again.” Again, I say nothing, fighting my own brain that is yelling everything back at him. I hear him breathing heavily.

“I have too many things to say Phil...”

“I don't- I don't even want to know.” I want to jump in the lake at the crack in my voice and I hate the emotion put in every word.

“Phil-” 

“No, Dan. No. I'm pretty sure everything you're about to say has already crossed my mind. Just leave it. What could you possible say that would make you feel less guilty?” 

“That's not what I want! I want to say sorry and what I’m trying to tell you is that I-”

“Maybe you should've started trying before you beat me up Dan!” I say, rising to my full height, and for the first time since we've started this poisonous I see his face and to my desperate anger, I see tears falling one by one, his mouth opening and closing, doubt clouding his mind. “I think I've done my share of waiting Dan. You know what? If you'd asked me to take you back before you... before you hurt me, I would've taken you back in a heartbeat Dan. Just like that.” 

I turn to leave but as soon as I start walking away quickly, I hear him get up and suddenly his hand is around my wrist and the touch is electrifying. Suddenly it's like my despair to let him explain and to forgive him turns to something else : pure hatred. I hate the man in front of me and for once in my life I understand why people say that hatred can quickly change to love. In a heartbeat he pulls me towards him and although he is slightly taller than me, I feel my anger towering me above him. 

And suddenly, I realize how close we are. Maybe I was too caught up in my own emotions but suddenly I’m not and my mind goes completely clear. I can nearly feel the same happening to him, as he presses my hand to his chest while still gripping my wrist, letting me feel his quickening heartbeat. I will my eyes not to betray anything but while I’m doing this, it's like every wall he has put up in all those years crumble one by one, despair turning to anger turning to jealousy and finally to something I can't quite put my finger one. His restraint is falling. 

And then I snap out of it. Just when everything seems to slow down and I get lost in his eyes, I remember. I remember what he did. And just like that, everything is broken again and I pull suddenly and harshly my wrist from his burning hold. I've had enough. 

“Don't come near me again” I snarl with as much hate as I can and just before I break the façade, I turn, not missing the way his face breaks into reckless sobs. 

I've had enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Well I offer this piece of trash to you I'm sorry it's not very good is it? I have the feeling I'm getting worse at this. Fricking shit week.
> 
> I'm okay.
> 
> Can you guys comment? It'll bring me happiness :3 I think I'm starting to run out.
> 
> Stay Golden
> 
> Charlotte xxx


	13. 13

Trigger warning my lovelies I'm sorry : Mentions of suicide.

 

Dan's POV

"Don't come near me again" The voice echoes in my head, hurting me to the core of my soul. Laying awake completely still with my eyes open, the scene from just this afternoon keeps playing on repeat, each time making me go even crazier. It's like my brain is determined to remember every detail, every word, every contradicting emotion to hate myself even more. I feel like crying but for once, the tears don't come, I just feel empty, hollow even. For once, my mind lets go of all the emotions and there are so many of them, that it's all overwhelming and I shut everything down. Years of sadness for nothing, because at the end I wasn't even good enough to deserve a friend like Phil.

I never really wanted to be in Slytherin and even though I'm trying my best to blame my years of suffering on the house I was placed in, that's not quite the truth. It would've been exactly the same in any house. The truth is I always hated human contact, the bullying was nowhere near the suffering I was enduring in my head. Only two people had taken advantage of the mess my brain was, and still is. They just happened to be Slytherin. I wish I'd been stronger and better, and I wish I could've cured my anxiety and if I had been able for two minutes to go up to any Slytherin and say my name everything would have been ok. I would've had a friend. Instead of that, on the first day I had a panic attack and my only friend ended up hating me. It was my fault I wasn't good enough, the kids were right, I deserved to be made fun of. I was a mess. I am a mess.

My feet seem to carry me without my will and soon I'm standing up, the cold floor nearly hurting my toes in contrast with the warm air. I pick up my wand laying on the small table next to my bed and whisper a Lumos, nearly hitting my toe on the leg of the table. Carefully and trying to make as little noise as possible, I walk silently, like a ghost through the halls of the immense castle. Through my head, millions of thoughts flash past and my heartbeat quickens to the point where I can feeling my breathing get shallow. No, this is not the time for a panic attack. I will my eyes shut and my breath to slow, still making my way to wherever my feet are taking me.

The cold air hits my face as I find myself outside and I "turn" my wand off, deciding the moonlight is enough to guide me where I'm going which I now know is the lake. I grip my wand so hard my knuckles go white but I don't stop even though my fingers are starting to hurt. I deserve it.

Before I can even register each one of my steps, I'm standing at the very spot me and Phil were yesterday, and it's like I can feel his ghost.

I stare ahead and every moment I've interacted with Phil comes back to mind. The endless hours of "studying" in the library, the librarian shouting at us because of me laughing too loud at Phil being a dork. The time I scared the shit out of him by jumping out of under his bed on his birthday, but what I really remember is that spring when at every opportunity we would go out and sit by the lake, trying to imagine the other's students lives while the breeze freshened the air and blew softly through our messy hair. Those are my most precious memories. And now, I've lost everything. Maybe I've been ok for this long because I thought that maybe one day I would be brave enough to face Phil. But now, everything is gone, I feel empty, nothing matters because I lost the only person that truly kept me going.

Ever since my mother was taken to the hospital, my dad has become even worse, constantly yelling at me, putting me down each time I thought I was getting back up.

My wand seems to weigh a ton in my hand which is shaking in fear and some type of anticipation that terrifies me. My hand, still shaking lifts the wand to my own chest and I close my eyes, letting the emotions engulf my entire logic and what mental stability I have left. I know the curse, everyone does, I let the words swim in my head, willing my hand to stop shaking.

Suicide. This is what it all comes to. Suddenly the tears finally flow down my cheeks and I try hard not to sob recklessly. I've lost everything, I've messed up the only thing I had left because my brain is sick, I've disappointed everyone, I've never been good enough and I'm not getting better. I don't want to get better.

As terrifying as the unknown of death is, it reassures me that maybe I'll stop living with myself and maybe my brain will be fixed, maybe I can be someone else, or maybe I can not be at all. And that reassures me.

The wand presses to my chest, the two words on the tip of my tongue and there are no flashbacks, no fancy photoshop, looking back at my life. There's only the tears, the feeling of death and the freezing breeze blowing straight to my bones.

I was born to die.

"Av-"

"Don't you dare."

Everything around me breaks, my whole beautiful vision of death fractures, reality comes back to me in one, gigantic and destructive wave. My knees give in and my wand falls to the damp floor, and suddenly I feel the hot tears down my cheeks and my head feels like it's exploding. Pain flashes through my head, and I grab it with both of my hands, letting my sobs out, finally letting go, finally. While my brain fights with itself, I nearly jump at the voice behind me that resonates again.

"Dan. Don't, please." Phil's voice breaks at the end of the sentence and I feel a cold hand on my shoulder, making me shiver. I get up with difficulty and there he is, again, like a vision, a saviour, an angel. And suddenly nothing matters, not the years of silence, not the argument, not the longing looks as I stumble forward into his arms. I feel him stiffen and he doesn't relax and even pushes me away, as tears start running down my cheeks again. Please, no.

"Dan I... I hate you for what you did. But please, please don't do this. I still care." A bitterness seeps into his voice, like he hates that fact "I still care and you need to stay alive. For me. Just... Come see me when you've sorted yourself out."

And just like that he leaves. Just like that it's like my brain switches back on, a pure feeling of "eureka" filling my mind. He's right. I have to make myself better, and I will. I have all year, I will make myself better, for him and then maybe one day I'll realize that I did it for myself too. Only me has the power to make me someone who deserves happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holidayyys. After 4 days I'm going to get very lonely. Sorry about the mood of this chapter, I decided to make something of the mood I was feeling in.
> 
> (I've looked it up, it is actually possible to kill yourself with the Avada Kedavra curse don't throw stuff at me)
> 
> Also happy valentine's day I spent it with my cat, I hope you are loved today. I'll update Connected tomorrow I'm aware this was extremely dark. Oops?
> 
> Next update will be as soon as I feel actually inspired, I hope it's soon, please comment, every one of them helps me with my motivation. Love you all <3
> 
> Stay Alive


	14. 14

Dan's POV

 

Hi there, my name's Dan, and you might know me as that asshole who broke his best friend's heart then proceeded to punch his own anger out on him and finally, nearly kill himself. 

I've got some issues.

When I was eleven and finally got my letter, I was the most nervous but also the most excited I'd ever been in my entire life. Finally, I could have a place I could call home that actually felt like one. Except it didn't quite turn out like that. I had a home for a while, for three years actually, until that fateful winter's day when I pushed away the only home I had to replace it by bitterness and remorse. 

Phil was always my only home, I realized it way too late but now that I have, I’m going to do my best to make him open the door when I knock on it, because I don't want to lose the fight, even if it's easier to just take the 'easy way out'. For me it was an easy way out, for others it's not, but I had a reason to decide to stand up and stop wallowing in self pity and I’m going to show that reason that it's for him that I’m standing up. It's always been for him.

 

-2 months after the attempted suicide-

 

Today, I think I made some progress! I sound like a child learning to write, and I guess I am, I’m learning to write my own story instead of letting the book flip it's own pages. 

I started being friends with the green eyed boy, Pj, I let myself be ok with being me. It was hard at first because he knew what I’d done to Phil, as he's friends with that Chris guy or something. But he understood, I think he understands a whole lot of stuff, and I’ve grown maybe too fond of him and his creative and dreamy personality. Of course he comes no where close to Phil but I guess no one does to me.

“You're doing the thing” I hear an unimpressed Pj say from where he's sitting, next to me in our Transfiguration class. 

I know what he means of course, he's talking about the drumming of my fingers against the wooden table, a habit I don't even notice until someone, by someone I mean Pj, makes me see just how annoying it is to people next to me. 

“Sorry.” I grumble, interlacing my hands together and trying to focus on the teacher, although what comes out of her mouth really doesn't make any sense to me. 

I'm 18, and to me my future is as incomprehensible as people who pour milk before their cereal. Yeah, that much. I have no idea about anything, I've barely started to understand how to make friend, and don't even start on relationships. 

Of course, this gets me thinking about Phil. I wish there were some way I could just tell him but not fully tell him. Give him enough hints but that it's not too obvious. And again we come to the point where I mentally slap myself because why, why would Phil even want any hints towards my feelings. I shut him away for three years and the first thing I did when I talked to him again was beat him up. 

I cringe at the thought, at that moment wishing I could just go back and fix everything. That day, I was feeling worse than I had ever felt and unfortunately for him, he was the one I had to bump into on that day. It felt so wrong, so so wrong, the first punch was like unleashing a monster I didn't know I had in me, it was like awakening the demon until then quietly possessing my soul. I lost all control, the hate towards my father for what he did to me, the hate towards my mother for buying me everything I should've wanted and calling it love, the hate towards Phil for making me fall for him, I hated the whole world and above all what hurt the most is that I hated myself the worst. And I was trapped in being me, it was like a prison, I broke so many things there were no way I could fix them, including myself.

Thankfully Phil came along and fixed me, and it was my turn to bring back what I’d broken and mend it, to never break it again. 

 

I hear the distinct words of the teacher dismissing the class and pack my things, getting use to the feeling of actually having to wait for someone who wants to spend time with me. I nearly sigh of content when I realize it's time to eat, because trust me when I’m hungry my stomach gives up any idea of being discreet.

We practically run to the Grand Hall and plop down with absolutely no grace whatsoever and out of the corner of my eye I see them coming in, as usual later than us. Phil and his friends. My eyes are directly glued to him and I can't stop staring, following him until he sits, it's like he's completely took over my will power and crushed it to smithereens.

“Dude, staring at him like that isn't going to make him fall in love with you”

With all the will power I have left I turn to face Pj and narrow my eyes while shoving him playfully.

“Well I can try, it's better than beating him up” I grumble again, something I seem to do quite a lot these days. I feel him place a hand on my shoulder and smile sadly at me like I’m a lost puppy.

“Don't beat yourself up about it, sorry about the expression, but you can't keep hating yourself for that. Don't you know what they say? You can't love someone until you love yourself”

Although I know he's just trying to help I nearly throw my plate at his face because of how I hate that sentence. You can't love someone until you love yourself. That's bullshit. It scared me for so long because I knew that I would never love myself but then how was I to love someone? The answer is, bullshit. I can give love perfectly well, just not to myself. I have a feeling the blue-eyed boy has too much of it anyway, I feel like it's a vase on the tip of overflowing and with that one bucket of love from me, it'll spill and cover me in a wave of love. That's how I can love myself, by just giving it away to him. And I did that a long time ago.

 

**

 

I walk silently through the halls, going back to my common room after having picked up the book I needed, and relish in the fact that it's nearly empty in here. Hogwarts has always been one of my favourite place, especially when it's just me. I lift my head up and stare at the ceiling above me, again enchanted over and over by where I am.

The problem is though with literally having your head in the clouds is that you can't seem to see what's in the sky. And at that moment, Phil was in the sky, like he's always been.

That's why we collided rather violently and he nearly fell over, but not before I caught his hand and hoisted him back up. I could tell he'd been running by the force of the impact and suddenly I tighten my grip on his hand afraid that he'll fly away at any moment. 

“Hi.” He nearly whispers and I feel like a schoolgirl who could swoon in front of him. 

“Hello” The word comes out cracked and I hate myself for that. I smile tentatively and he smiles too, but sadly. 

“I'm glad you're not dead” As instantly as the words are out, I can see how much he wants to take it back, regret clouds his eyes.

“I guess I...” 

“I have to go Dan, I'm sorry but I’m late for something” My heart wrenches and I step aside but he does it at the same time, and that's how we end up doing that awkward thing where we both want to let the other go past but keep going in the same direction. Finally he slips past me but I rest a hand on his wrist, just rest it, and it's enough for him to stop. 

He's right next to me, so close, too close, and I swear my hand is about to rip my heart out of my chest and just offer it to him on a silver plate. 

“Phil I l-” 

And then he's gone. Like that, because I didn't hold onto him tight enough he turned into a bird and flew away. I knew what I was foolishly going to say, and he knew it too, I could see it too in the look in his bird eyes. 

He didn't want to hear it, I could see how scared he looked, how vulnerable and even though it shouldn't make me happy, I feel ecstatic that I have the power to make him vulnerable. So that I can be the one to protect him after.

I'm going to hunt the bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my tiny space nuggets here have this thing I made with my own two hands. Updating on a Friday whAT IS THIS, I know I’m as surprised as you are. 
> 
> Basically my earphones took their last breath and I had no distraction so I actually wrote wow. I should break stuff more often.
> 
> This chapter is COMPLETELY improvised I went with the flow so I’m sorry if it's bad but I had no idea how to continue this, I hope you like it, tell meee! :3
> 
> I hope this isn't getting boring for you?? I hope you still like this story cuz I don't want it to become annoying and to slow or stuff
> 
> Love you all very very much <3
> 
> Charlotte XxXx


	15. 15

Phil's POV 

 

-One week later-

 

I remember when History of Magic used to be the most interesting thing in my day, when walking into a room full of people I “knew” to hear about anything that had to do with magic directly or not, was like heaven. I say I remember but I actually don't that much. You'd think 11 year old Phil would clutch on to every happy memory and preserve it forever but back then it wasn't like that, when you're eleven you really don't care about remembering, as long as you're creating memories. Memories I've mostly forgotten now; not all of them though. 

“Hey button, care to explain where the hell your mind is? I've been calling you for like 20 minutes now.” Tiff whispers next to me and I smile at the nickname.

Tiff is the kind of person who invents the cutest nicknames for everyone and for some reason, they always seem to fit perfectly. Which was just proven further when she started calling Mels her “Cuddle bug”. Yeah I know, sickeningly cute, I can barely be around the two of them anymore when they're in that weird mood. 

“Sorry Fruit Loops.” I'm pretty good at this too “I was reminiscing in the good old days, when we actually used to like school”

“You know you still love it here come on, stop being such a dramatic baby.” 

“Harsh.” I say, lightly biting on the end of my pencil while examining the teacher so he won't see us talking. “Did you know, most toilets flush in E flat” I say matter-of-factly while grinning at her. I know a lot of useless facts for some reason.

“Right” She replies, rolling her eyes 

“It's true! Come on you know my useless facts are always true. I wouldn't dare lie to you. What's the point anyway, you're not gonna flush every toilet and assess what sound they make.”

“And how do you know I won't.”

“Are you saying you will? Do you accept my challenge?” I say, turning to face her a bit more and she looks in front of her, smiling.

“Challenge accepted.” 

“How will you even know it's an E flat, you can't even play the flute.”

“I will let you know, button, that I actually DID play the flute. Sure I was 5 and I could only play   
twinkle twinkle little star but still. Don't you underestimate me. I will flush those toilets” She says and I crack up at her very serious voice. 

“Right right, think of me while you do, or maybe you'll be thinking of Mels. She'll be really flattered.”

“Mels was flattered when I told her the Christmas turkey made me think of her Phil.” 

“Okay but to be fair, that turkey looked like her, you know with the like folded wings and everything...”

We lose it then and burst out laughing, the teacher turning her head sharply to us, making us sort of shut up, still holding in our laughter we were trying to hide with unconvincing coughing.

“Phil I really wish I didn't have to do this, but you and Tiff are disrupting the class, maybe you should take a break.” 

“Why just me?!” I protest, which makes the whole class surprised as I very rarely talked back, to anyone. A Dan will do that to you.

“So you two can just disrupt the portraits in the hall? I don't think so. Go on Phil.”

“Fine...” I said, still harboring a small smile on my lips, and walk out, mimicking a chicken to Tiff, making the teacher look very puzzled and Tiff very red with trying to keep in her laughter.

 

**

Not two minutes in my “punishment” and suddenly I hear hurried steps coming from the left of where I sit, back to the wall. The person seems rushed and I hear ragged breathing, as if they're having difficulty breathing. Suddenly I hear the person slide down the wall around the corner and decide very obviously to investigate.

I turn the corner and there, shaking from toes to the top of his head, and arms hugging his knees as close to him as possible, like he's trying to melt into a ball; sits none other than Dan. My heart feels cold for a second and even though I know it's completely mad, I swear it stops for a second. I didn't know it could actually do that.

I gulp and decide for once in my stupid life not to think too much and just go with what I think is the right thing to do.

So I slide down next to him, the poor guy not even noticing me, breathing at a fastening pace. And I slide my arm around him, going all warm inside. He nearly jumps as he flinches away and his head springs up from where it was buried in his hands.

That's when I see the gravity of the situation, I can see him look lost, his breathing cutting off each time he tries to suck in air. 

I turn to face him, not detaching my eyes from his and grab his shoulder, trying my best to communicate as much calm to him as I can.

“Dan look at me, breathe with me. You're okay, you're alive, look around you.” I take a deep breath, motioning for him to follow me and with a bit of a shaky breath he does. “just concentrate on my voice” I continue, my voice coming out calm and relaxing, although I'm freaking out remotely in the inside. I haven't talked to Dan for a week. Now that may not seem like a lot but in “guy-in-love” time, that's like a month. 

“You're here, alive and okay, you're real and so am I. You know it, you can feel everything around you can't you? Just latch on to that.”

Gradually I sense Dan's breath slowing down and he slowly comes back to reality, and he blinks repeatedly, looking like an adorably lost puppy.

I pull him to me suddenly in a hug, slapping myself for having left him after that dreadful night when he'd almost... You know. I don't know what happened to me, it's like he turned me cold. And I need him to turn me back because I don't especially like this person. 

“You know, it takes 142.18 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop.” I say while letting him go, in an effort to stop this non uncomfortable situation from becoming uncomfortable.

“...What the hell is a Tootsie Pop.” He says after having properly caught his breath. I stare at him in disbelief.

“What?! You've never had a Tootsie Pop? I guess it's a upside of having a muggle mother.”

“Pretty sure it's not the only one though.” Dan says in a sad smile.

We are extremely close, I suddenly realize, for some reason it took me that long to notice that our knees are touching, sitting cross legged in front of each other. 

“One day I'll take you to eat a Tootsie Pop. Promise” I say, smiling, as steadily as possible. He doesn't seem to notice how close we are, he looks so innocent, which is really ironic because this is Dan, his innocence died the day he was born.

“Also, chewing gum while cutting onions will stop you from crying” I say, the words coming in a rush, trying my best not to make it awkward although it never has been between us. For some reason I can't stop.

“Camels have three eyelids.” I say again and he bites his lips, smiling.

“Shakespeare invented the word bump...” I breath out, feeling him getting closer, and I feel like I'm going completely numb and crazy at the same time. Everything in my body is contradicting itself. 

“A-and Sherlock Holmes never actually said 'elementary my dear Watson'”

“Who the hell is Sherlock Holmes...” He breathes, and I can literally feel it.

“I have no id-” 

And I can't even finish my word because suddenly his lips are on mine, soft like a cloud and still perfectly firm. 

And I feel all kinds of things.

I feel like I'm burning up and at the same time like I just jumped into a pool of icy water. I feel my mind going crazy with too many thoughts and at the same time everything is clear and numb. I feel everything, him, me, reality. And I swear something stopped inside of me for a second and I'm pretty sure it was my heart. 

I melt into him and his hands are suddenly on my cheeks and again, everything explodes where he touches me. I don't know what's happening, I've kissed people before and it was never like this, never. And I'm not one to believe in soul mates, but this, this is definitely not just anything, and Dan is obviously not just anyone. 

We pull apart after what seems like an eternity but also feels like mere seconds. Why is everything contradicting itself? I lean my forehead against his.

“Well that wasn't very straight...” Dan says and I let out a small laugh.

“I don't think we're meant to be straight when we're together.” I say and mentally slap myself at what I just said. Really Phil? But he laughs anyway that amazing laugh that sounds more like a cackle.

“This doesn't mean I'm not basically pissed of at you” I say in a low voice, because talking loud right now seems just wrong. 

“I know, I know, I'm sorry boo...” Again, my heart does that flippy over thing. 

“Okay, I think I'm not pissed off with you anymore.” I say jokingly.

And he kisses me again. Because I guess we're allowed to do that now.

Because that's what soulmates do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this thing is uh here, uh enjoy it, maybe, probably not, sorry  
> Leave a comment, if you want? It'd make me so so happy srsly  
> Basically yes let's address the elephant in the room, I haven't updated in FOREVER but c'mon you know I have excuses like I was busy being sad and stuff  
> I'm sorry, I know yes, this is what I do, but I'm bad at it and being happy is hard and so is living so you know.   
> OKAY IMPORTANT : THIS CAN BE THE LAST CHAPTER BUT IF YOU WANT I CAN WRITE EITHER AN ALTERNATE SAD ENDING FOR THOSE WHO WANNA SUFFER OOOOR I CAN WRITE A SEQUEL, OR END EVERYTHING HERE. IT'S ONE OF THOSE!!! OK GUYS I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO VOTE FOR EITHER ONE OF THOSE. Choose carefully............  
> Love you all though, and I'm sorry I disappoint a lot and this chapter is probably not my best.  
> Stay You <3


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